Top Ten People Who Will Not Be Speaking At The RNC Tonight 8/30/12

10. Mark Sanford. He won’t be speaking on family values.

9. Rep. Hank Johnson. He is too busy trying to keep Quam from Sinking.

8. Rep. Todd Akin. No, He is too busy trying to learn the facts of life. He thought he knew them but he was wrong.

7. Bristol Palin. Sarah couldn’t come so Bristol will be talking on teenage pregnancy.

6. Elvis. No, here really has left the building.

5. Ci Ci. Now that would be a speech that nobody would ever forget.

4. Emil Finley. No, nobody wants to hear about the goats in Mountville or a multitower array.

3. Niki Haley. She is going to speak on a transparent and open administration. That one reason she is a mystery guest.

2. George Bush. No, He is too busy trying to make sure he steers Issac in all the right places.

1. Randy Stevens. That would be the longest speech in the history of any convention. They just wouldn’t let him go to the India Palace before.