Top Ten Things I Would Do If Running for Sheriff

#10….I would purchase at least $25,000 worth of ads on WLBG, to totally dominate the airwaves for weeks leading up to the election. I would capture the hearts and minds of all Laurens County before the opposition even knew what hit them.

 #9 … I will make it my policy to refuse to answer questions on any stupid radio talk show.  

 #8 …I will promise to only allow my most competent deputies to carry more than one bullet at a time. There’s no sense encouraging folks to go around shooting up the neighborhood.

 #7 …Candidates for Sheriff seem to be fond of having BBQ events to promote their campaign. I will upgrade the whole sheriff’s campaign by serving sushi at my campaign rallies.   

 #6 …I would avoid being seen eating donuts at all costs. There’s no sense in promoting negative stereotypes.

 #5… I would pledge to hire that fellow who dresses up like Barney Fife and hire him as my newest deputy.  

 #4 …I would see a plastic surgeon about skin transplants and scar removal procedures. I understand you need think skin and you get lots of injuries when you run for Sheriff.

 #3 …I would promise to have my deputies watch the Andy Griffith Show during all training sessions; primarily the ones with Barney, Otis and Gomer. 

 #2 …I would retain the services of a very good attorney who specializes in defamation of character…and contentious divorce situations.

 # 1 …I will retain the services of a competent veterinarian to assist in the investigation of certain crimes against nature, the specifics of which I feel called upon to remain mute.