Top Ten Reasons NOT to Bring Your Police Chase to Laurens County

#10… We’ve got too many deer around here. Many of them have been trained to run out in front of cars. Take the “Yearling,” then project that forward to today’s times.

#9 … If they should happen to pass through our Post Office, it’s hard to get through there without wrecking. People are always blocking the drive. 

#8 …Folks from out of the county, not really knowing our roads very well, are so very likely to run off our fiscal cliff. A number of our roads have already run off that cliff. 

#7 …Just imagine they’re racing down Hillcrest Drive, Laurens trying to escape the cops, and Whiteford’s has just posted a sign promoting the special price on the Balogna Biscuit, the traffic jam will surely catch them. The escape probably couldn’t resist the urge to turn in, as well. 

#6 … If the fleeing suspect should happened to pass through Joanna, thinking he’s going to escape into Newberry County, the good ole boys from the lodge will either want to ram him, or race with him. The danger is doubled if it’s Luau night. 

#5 …This time of the year, chances are good that any fleeing fugitive is likely to have his escape hampered by a Christmas parade. Imagine colliding with a Future Farmers of America float being pulled by a jumbo John Deere Tractor. There’s just no getting around it, Randy. First, you’re flattened by the float then you’re run over by a marching band. Those flailing batons really hurt!   

#4 …How will you get through the toll booth on Interstate 385? The cops will nab you when you slow up to pay the toll, and if you don’t stop to pay the toll, the Highway Patrol Motorcycle Cops will be after you, as well.  

#3 …Imagine trying to flee the cops through Clinton. At any time of the day or night, you’re likely to get stopped by a train. As we’ve learned, lately, Randy, you can’t drive through a train. 

#2 …Should it so happen that a fresh squirrel has been killed in Laurens County, 35 buzzards will gather within 35 minutes, blocking the roadway. A vehicle being chased is just coming too fast for them to get out of the way. Can you imagine colliding with 35 buzzards? At 25 pounds each, Its like hitting a large collection of frozen butterballs. 

# 1 …Should our fleeing fugitive be passing through Gray Court…let’s say its nighttime, and some of our inebriated and highly motivated folks are out looking for love in all the wrong places, then a disturbed cow bolts and runs into the road; a speeding little black Nissan just doesn’t stand a chance, Randy.    The only winner in such a scenario would be those buzzards fighting over that little squirrel.