Top Ten Most Popular Christmas Gifts for Residents of the Laurens County Detention Center

 #10… Scrap Metal. Delivered with a nice red bow. Maybe a gate from a country fence. It’s what got a bunch of’em there to begin with

 #9 …Cigarettes; especially those that don’t have that butt-crack or arm-pit Taste

 #8 … Twenty minutes of quality time with the cute guy from J-Pod

 #7 …Fuzzy Bedroom Slippers – the plastic jail-issue flip-fops don’t keep the feet warm and comfy now that winter is here.  

 #6 …A gift pack of meth. Disguised as Goody’s headache powder. 

 #5  … A special Monopoly Game with Extra Get-out-of-Jail-Free cards

 #4 … A gift certificate for a tattoo of your choice on any portion of your body. Artistry by Ralph the Ink Jockey from Cell Block A.

 #3 …Sugar Cookies with lots of sugary sprinkles on top. No, they’re not going to eat them, they’ll use all that sugar to make their own alcoholic beverages!

 #2 … Gideon Bibles, hallowed  out to conceal a half-pint of pure clean grain alcohol.

 # 1 …A gift certificate from the Crab Shack for a fake marriage license and one conjugal lap dance from Lovely Lurleen the Large of Laurens.  We have to hand it to Elmo, he has such clever ways to promote these things.  She’s a lovely girl. Lots of good experience!