Top Ten Other Things We Can Automate

 With new Wireless Water Meters are being installed in Laurens and Clinton – both towns also participating in a Pilot Project to With new automated meters  being installed by Laurens and Clinton utilities, we began to think of outer devices.

 #10… Automated Traffic Enforcement – already in us in some places. A camera takes your picture running the red light and sends you a ticket.

 #9 … Automated Tax Collections – Everyone’s bank account is accessed automatically by the IRS. Every time you make a deposit, it takes half. 

 #8 … Automated Talk Show –  This is a talk show device with a computer-generated voice. The computer scans the news and automatically has the voice make comments about these issues to appease right-wing zealots who do not require logic to make them happy.

 This is in contrast to this show, where in our studios we actually have live humans or reasonable representations thereof who offer their own somewhat human perspective on the issues.

 #7 … Automated Garbage Collection – No, not the one-armed bandit the City of Laurens operated for some five years. We’re talking radio-controlled jet packs. Whenever the container is full, it takes off and deposits the load at a designated collection site.

 #6 …Automated Trains. They’re very efficient as labor-saving devices, but they seem to malfunction from time to time and stop in Clinton, blocking most crossings at the same time. As a fringe benefit, they teach patience to local drivers. 

 #5  …Automated Grass Cutting. Like those little vacuums that mindlessly run, bump into something, then run another way. Only with the automated lawn mower, you’ve got to protect your flowers. We understand they’re hazardous for Squirrels and Chipmunks; but good for adding extra nutrition to the soil.

 #4 …An Automated personal groomer. Good for single men who don’t have wives to let them know when it’s time to take a bath. This device sniffs you and must approve before the door will open. 

 #3 …The Automated DUI cop. It’s a device installed in your car. It will not allow the car to crank until you pass the breathalyzer, located on the steering column.

 

#2 … APDs – for Automated Proctologist Device. This is an  instrument still in the early stages of development. I don’t know that it will get much further since the government just outlawed use of animals in testing. And they have been unable to recruit humans as  test subjects. Not even from the darkest dungeons of the Mississippi Prison System.

 

# 1 … Automatic Home Security System. Now, this is not like your grandmother’s home alarm system. This is a system that doesn’t alarm and call the cops. That’s old hat. This system actually takes action, automatically. It consists of a system of automatic weaponry positioned at each window and door. The slightest unauthorized movement in either will automatically trigger the wrath or Ruger!  It doesn’t call the cops, but after 10 minutes it does notify the mortuary. When they arrive, they can always notify the police.