Top Ten Curious Federally Funded Research Projects

#10… Determining whether a snake will bite a squirrel if the squirrel does not shake its  tail. (If the squirrel is wearing a raincoat to hide it’s tail, does that change the odds?)

#9 …  If a tree falls in a forest and there is no one there to hear it, will it make a noise?

#8 … If a man is alone in a remote forest and speaks, but there is no woman present to hear him, is he still wrong?

#7 … If a man is riding a motorcycle through the countryside near Whitmire at 4:30 in the morning and a golden retriever is in a yard being passed by the motorcycle, will the dog attempt to mount the motorcycle?

#6 …If a house in Laurens County becomes vacant, how many meth addicts will be found in that house one week later?

#5  …If a man or woman becomes a meth addict today, how many days will it take for their teeth to rot away?

#4 …Everybody wants to be happy, Randy. So perhaps we can have federally funded research project to determine what happiness really is!

#3 …We suggest a federally funded research project in the woods of Joanna to study the sex life of possums. Exactly how can ANY animal, even another possum, be attracted to such an ugly animal?

#2 …We also need a study to determine if the many dead possums found alongside Laurens County roadways are really accidents, as we have been taught; or could this be indication of psychological disorder causing so many of our ugly friends to commit suicide by motor vehicle?

# 1 …If everyone in the United States were made legal citizens of this country, would there be any citrus fruit harvested in Florida or California before it rotted in the orchard?