Top Ten Businesses We Want to See During “Opportunity Knocks”

 

#10… A Hoochie Coochie Show – Remember those cute girls showing off for all the boys to watch?  What a great life.  

 

#9 …  A Meth Lab Equipment Supply Store. They should do big business around here.

 

#8 … A Monkey Grooming Service. This came to mind the last time Elmo came by the radio station with JW, that nasty monkey of his. It was gruesome! And the Smell!!! Ugh!

 

#7 … A Pole Dance Equipment & Polishing Service … one with highly trained technicians, because too little polish and it’s looks so heap, while too much polish and the girls can’t get a grip. You know, Slippage is a terrible thing.  

 

#6 … You know they’re going to have ‘Pop-up’ Stores. We understand the Joanna Possum Processing Plant is going to Pop-Up with an Outlet Store featuring Possum Pate. Now these are seconds, Randy; but still rather tasty.

 

#5  … A Medical Marijuana Shop. We think this could free up our law enforcement officers for more important work.

 

#4 …A storefront church on the square for Snake Handlers. Timid snake handlers. Folks who don’t want to grab the live rattlesnakes like they do up in the mountains. It’s going to be called “The Night-crawler Primitive Baptist Church”  Specailly-bred large and in-charge night-crawlers, Randy. Big, slimy, creepy-crawley ones. Baby steps at first.  

 

#3 …WLBG is encouraging a 2nd hand radio supply store to open. We’re promising to shift all our purchases from the Jockey Lot to shop Laurens County 1st. We’ll buy all our transistors and diodes from this place. You meth heads who could never find a place to fence such things now have an outlet.

 

#2 … A store for folks looking for cheap stuff. The Dollar Tree has been popular in many circles….this’ll be even better. It’s the Half-Dollar Tree.

 

# 1 … A counseling service for folks with alternative lifestyles – not so much gays and trans-genders as folks who love to drink and aren’t quitters.

  I understand you once worked with such a group, Randy.

 (Yeah, it was called DAMM – Drunks against Mad Mothers)