Top Ten News Stories Not Covered by WLBG

10. A grave situation recently occurred in California when a mortuary buried the wrong Woman. Her Husband said that he just thought she had changed a lot.

9. A middle school student got in trouble at school for giving away money. She brought $20,000 of her neighbor’s money and gave it away $500 at a time.

8. Dog survives after eating 111 pennies. What was he thinking? Did he tell his buddies they tasted like chicken?

7. A psychic has decided that space aliens are much better at sex than earth men. Randy, have I showed you me new ET costume yet?

6. Levi’s has developed some new jeans made of recycled plastic water bottles. They have a tag that says made from Trash. Could you fill your pockets with water?

5. Workers at as local fast food restaurant called the police when an in toxicatred man passed out in his French fries.they might have believed him when he said he was just looking at them if he didn’t have one hanging out of his nose.

4. A new computer virus sends you an E-mail letting you know hundreds of dollars of pizza have been ordered on your credit card. When you click the cancel now button, a virus is installed on your browser letting someone see everything you do.

3. A Miami Teenager who was running from the Police asked a homeowner to help him hide out. The homeowner was a Miami detective. The teenager did get rest on the coach before he got taken to jail.

2. A 62 year old man was fired from his job after saving some children from a shark on an Australian Beach. The man was supposed to be on sick leave when his boss saw him on TV.

1. Judge Judy may be going back to court, but this time on the other side of the bench. A woman claims her husband sold the Judge some china for $50,000 that should have cost $500,000. Sound to me like the husband fired the first shot at that divorce.

 

Top Ten Local News Stories That Have Left Me Wondering

10. Did the patrolman who hit the car in the rear while making a traffic stop get a ticket for following too close?

9. How many Laurens parade entrants will throw candy even when the are told not to.

8. Will Elmo have a stripper pole mounted on his pickup truck and be providing anatomy lessons from the strippers for all the boys and girls?

7. Who will win the rassling match Friday night? I think we all know, but it will be fun. So bring lots of money and toys for kids who need help.

6. Will Randy Steven be one of the mystery rasslers helping the Sheriff? There would be a lot of people pay big money to see Randy in a Pair of rassling shorts.

5. Are the Reindeer they are going to be running thru Laurens again this year going to be led by Rudolph? Or will they make him run backwards at the end of the line.

4. How many times will Randy threaten to tell us why he doesn’t do Christmas? And how many times will he tell us this year.

3. Presbyterian College has named has named a new provost. What the heck does a provost teach? Provosting?

2. Will the recent changes to Laurens City’s trash ordinance refuseing to pick up refuse from refuser’s result in a stinky situation.

1. Why don’t we just plant some more pretty flowers in them fountains? No one can keep them running anyway.

 

Top Ten Other Forms of ID We Could Use for The New Law

10. A copy of a Driving with No License Ticket. If you don’t have a license, how can you show it?

9. If you live in Chicago, a copy of your death certificate is acceptable.

8. A copy of an active warrant from Johnson Detention Center. I hear there are thousands of those.

7. A picture of yourself standing in front of a working Laurens fountain holding a current copy of the Greenville News. That won’t work; The Greenville News is never current.

6. A copy of the WLBG morning news featuring you. A lot of folk have made our morning news show. Their name is usually followed by their bond amount.

5. A copy of your IPTAY card from Clemson. If you are not ashamed to pull that out, we know you are who you say you are. Did I mention The Gamecocks are no.3 this week.

4. In your case Randy, you would never need an ID. Everyone has seen you on the radio.

3. If you are a West Main resident, just park your car near the door of voting place. They can tell by bird droppings where you live. Can you say buzzard?

2. A copy of your Elmo’s Crab Shack and the Slut Hut membership card. Everybody in this county knows if you show one of those that Elmo works really hard to check addresses of all those John Smiths that come there.

1. A copy of your utility bill. No, that won’t work; it would probably be in your son’s name.

 

Top Ten Things We Didn’t Hear at the Debate Last Night

10. Any debate on the silverware pattern for the White House. Don’t blame the Obama’s for this. Hillary started it.

9. Either candidate quote percentages or numbers that any of us have ever heard before.

8. Not one word was ever said about zoning. Oh, I forget politicans can’t say that word.

7. An estimate on the unemployment figures after we make a leaner, more efficient federal government.

6. Music. To go with all the twisting, turning, jumping, and avoiding like you can see in a break dance competition.

5. Either candidate ask to phone a friend. Is it not amazing that these two men are so smart they know the answer to everything without even having to think for a minute?

4. George Bush making a rebuttal to any of the things he has been accused of, even hurricane Katrina.

3. Not a single mention of the nation’s very best festival. Squealing on the Square. It will make you squeal, just not like in the movies.

2. Any mention of White House tobacco policy. Bill and Monica are the last two to be allowed to smoke cigars there. They never actually lit them, but they sure had them smoking.

1. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

 

Top Ten People Who Will Not Be Speaking At The RNC Tonight 8/30/12

10. Mark Sanford. He won’t be speaking on family values.

9. Rep. Hank Johnson. He is too busy trying to keep Quam from Sinking.

8. Rep. Todd Akin. No, He is too busy trying to learn the facts of life. He thought he knew them but he was wrong.

7. Bristol Palin. Sarah couldn’t come so Bristol will be talking on teenage pregnancy.

6. Elvis. No, here really has left the building.

5. Ci Ci. Now that would be a speech that nobody would ever forget.

4. Emil Finley. No, nobody wants to hear about the goats in Mountville or a multitower array.

3. Niki Haley. She is going to speak on a transparent and open administration. That one reason she is a mystery guest.

2. George Bush. No, He is too busy trying to make sure he steers Issac in all the right places.

1. Randy Stevens. That would be the longest speech in the history of any convention. They just wouldn’t let him go to the India Palace before.

Top Ten Songs Randy Travis Sang After His Recent Incident

10. When he was found lying in the middle of the road, I asked how he felt and he sang “Train Long Gone.”

9. He told me he told the police, when asked about drinking and driving, he started singing “ I’m your man”.

8. What was the first thing you saw after you were thrown from the car? Randy sang “I saw angels”

7. I asked how did you manage to run over all those construction cones, flashing lights and barricades. Randy began to sing “Running Blind”

6. It is said that you threatened to hurt the Po-Po that arrested you. He said he was just singing “Digging up Bones”.

5. He also answerd with two songs when I asked him about the rumor that he was naked when he wrecked. A Randy sang “Shopping for Dreeses” and “Smoking the Hive”.

4. When I told him that he should never drink in that bar again, he sang “There’ll always be a honky tonk somewhere!”

3. I tried to discuss with Randy where he was going now. And he sang “four Wall, and Valley of Pain.”

2. We also talked about some dangerous people he could meet in prison, like Bubbett. Randy sang “Keep your lure in the water.”

1. When he was asked if he would ever do anything like this again he sang “For Ever and Ever, Amen.”