Part Two from the Files at WLBG News

#10…A bed pan, with fresh deposits making it a weapon of biological destruction

           — all the more reason for folks to be friendly when visiting hospitals

 

#9 … A heavy glass ash tray, as reported on this morning’s news 

 

#8 … A commode plunger…even worse when freshly used….it does psychic damage!

 

#7 … A pickup truck – fortunately, most of the time this is used more as a weapon of threat

 

#6 … A frozen turkey…..remember the horror when WKRP dropped those turkeys in Cincinnati. A butterball is a terrible thing to throw. 

 

#5  … A big porcelain Santa Claus. Built to be a cookie container, it doubles as a deadly weapon

 

#4 … A big ole bottle of cheap cologne….After the initial pain of impact, the horrible smell that follows is even worse! That stuff is formulated to stay with you all day, just like skunks and onions

 

#3 … Four Words:  Mad Dog 20 / 20

 

#2 … A big gallon mason jar full of pennies….the coins become shrapnel when the glass breaks on impact

 

# 1 … A Quart of Frozen Hash …. no one is yet to improve on this Joanna invention!

 By Jan

# 10. Sit on the front porch early in the morning and listen to the neighbors cuss each other out. If they see you they act like they just love each other to death.

 

# 9. The mosquitoes are so big til they drag cats and dogs around the yard.

 

# 8. Go to the local store for coffee and hear the guys dogging Bruce cause he is a democrat. He just sips his coffee and smiles.

 

# 7. Gather around the fire and watch marshmellows melt and fall off the sticks before you can eat them. Oh you gotta hear what is said when that happens.

 

# 6. If someone is catching fish in a certain spot then 2 or 3 other people try to hit the same spot. I saw a man just calmly take his scissors and cut another man’s line for trying to get his place.

 

# 5. In the afternoon you can watch Mountain man walk up and down the road, the more he walks the drunker he gets as he is drinking young-ling lager. When he starts yelling Boo ya, you know he has had enough.

 

# 4. Listen to all the horror stories about the snakes people have killed already, then when the dog walks by your leg and tickles it with his tail, you jump up and scream bloody murder so everyone can laugh at you.

 

# 3. Play with your grand-dog, LuLu the boxer bull dog, then she goes down to the lake and loves to shake off the water right next to you, oh that is fun.

 

# 2. The cat, Mr. Paublo, brings his catch to show you, it is a rat and you just hate to hurt his feelings but you really don’t want to see it. That is out back in the afternoon, next morning while drinking coffee and sitting in a rocking chair, he brings you another one.

 

# 1. Start a bonfire and rev up the grill and you will see neighbors like surprise lilies, never know where and when they will pop up ! They just seem to come from everywhere and you end up with a grill full of burgers and people laughing and having fun til real late. When the party gets too loud my daughter-in-law says time for all to go home.

 

 By Jan

# 10. Guys, if you just have to wear speedoes, please make sure your behind has been sprayed with tanning stuff cause if not, it might look like the moon is out in the middle of the day.

 

# 9. Make sure you also spray your white legs, don’t want to blind anyone.

 

# 8. Take your ding dongs and ho-ho’s with you, you will need the extra energy, trust me !

 

# 7. Be sure to have plenty of lotion cause that sand gets in every little crack and crevice, if you don’t , you might have some rough times ahead.

 

# 6. Ladies, please make sure your top covers the breasts cause we don’t want little kids begging their Moms for one of those puppies with the brown nose.

 

# 5. If you have an itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow, polka dot bikini, be sure it still fits before you waddle out on the beach.

 

# 4. Do take a camera because you are going to need pictures of things that no one will believe unless they see it.

 

# 3. Please do not run up and down the beach loudly humming the theme to Jaws, this scares people.

 

# 2. For goodness sakes you old coots, take the glue for your teeth to stay in, it ain’t cool to drool over the scantily clad ladies and have you teeth fall out !

 

# 1. Guys you can take your socks with you, but don’t put them in your swimming trunks, we ladies really can tell the difference you know !

 

 By Jan

# 10. If you are pulled over for going the wrong way on a one way street, and the officer asked ,” did you not see the arrows ?”. Tell him you didn’t even see the indians.

 

# 9. For speeding you can tell  them that you took a laxative and have to speed to find a bathroom, they might believe it.

 

# 8. If you are going way over the speed limit, and stopped by a highway patrol, just say ” A highway patrolman stole my ex wife a few years ago and I was just afraid you were bringing her back.”

 

# 7. When stopped for running a red light just look really bewildered and ask your friend riding with you,” Was I driving ?”

 

# 6. When he tells you to get on the car, ask him if that means to crawl on top of the car.

 

# 5. An open and empty beer can is found in your car, just tell the police you keep it there for your little boy to pee in.

 

# 4. They find the little garden where you have planted pot. Look real crazy and say,” that man in Fountain Inn told me that I would get great tomatoes from these plants !”

 

# 3. When they ask to see your license just ask which one, driving, fishing,to carry a gun, or license to vote….oh wait, you don’t need a license for that.

 

# 2. If they ask you why you were going 76 miles an hour in a 50 mile an hour zone, tell them you saw a sign that said highway76 and you thought it was the speed limit and you are sure glad they didn’t see you when you were on highway 101 !

 

# 1. They ask you why you did not stop 2 miles back when they had the blue lights and siren going. You just get mad and say, ” what difference does that make now ocifer ?”

 

(Following Angelena’s Elective Mastectomy)

#10… As people get older, they’re more and more subject to broken hips. Just one false move, and you’re down in pain. Why not have Elective Hip Replacement now!

#9 … Electrolysis of the Scalp. Your hair is just going to turn gray and/or fall out, anyway. Why bear the expense of routine hair care: Have that mop permanently removed right away!

#8 … What’s more unsightly than nasal hair? Have you ever had the experience of trying to talk with someone on a serious subject, but you could not focus on what they were saying because of severe nasal hair protrusions? Here’s another great place for electrolysis to do its magic.

#7 …We don’t want to dwell on this to any great detail, but why wait for those hemorids to start acting up again. Why not have those hemiroids removed now, before they become a real pain in the rear.

#6 … Isn’t it time you got yourself that perfect smile you’ve always wanted? Your dentist is ready, with the latest in tooth replacement technology. It’s not your father’s false teeth, anymore, Randy.

#5 …Two Words: Cornea Implant.  You know how much trouble folks have as they collect a few years. Sight becomes cloudy…it’s as if you’re living in a thick fog. Why not ditch those losers in your eyeball before they give out of you. Come out of the darkness and appreciate this wonderful world around us. Available in many colors, too!

#4 … Free yourself from having Colonoscopies the rest of your life. Get your own personal colon-cam installed. The technology is here to have your insides displayed on the internet. Available in either infared or an optional lighting system.

#3 … You’re getting old, so why not have those nasty toe nails surgically removed. Haven’t you seen how ugly toe nails become as people grow old.  Someone may look graceful when wearing shoes, but take ‘em off and the scene is almost  unbearable!

#2 … We’re already damaging our knees the way we rush to and fro. Why not go ahead and have preemptive joint replacement now, while we’re younger so that recovery is faster.

# 1 …With the ready availability of adult pampers and other devices like personal pumps, we suggest Preventive Prostate Surgery. You know the trouble men have with their prostates as we grow older. Why prolong the misery do it now, do it now. Then you can depend on depends.

 

by: Jan

 

# 10. Start out with a good breakfast, that is if you can talk someone into fixing it for you.

 

# 9. Make sure to let your pets out early so they don’t look at your carpet and think that is a good place to go because it won’t splash back on them.

 

# 8. Help with a chore, like looking around for your Mother’s teeth that she loses each night when she goes to bed.

 

# 7. Find something funny to look at, even if it is just seeing yourself in the mirror…naked !

 

# 6. Write a post on Face Book that simply says, ” Oh my goodness, I saw you peaking ! “, then go off line so you don’t have to answer questions about it.

 

# 5. Go up and down the hallway yelling who used up all the hot water !! Everyone will think you are crazy but they will be awake.

 

# 4. Walk briskly in the 7-11 store and say loudly, ” do yall know they use water to make this coffee ?”, then rapidly get in your car and drive away.

 

# 3. When another motorist cuts you off or turns in front of you, wave with your whole hand instead of one finger…..blows their mind every time.

 

# 2. Call your retired brother or sister real early and tell them it is Monday….tell them to rise and shine, let them know that you have to go to work so they might as well be awake too !

 

# 1. Telephone your boss and loudly but quickly tell him you are feeling great, and you

 by: Jan

 

# 10. It is very unlucky for a black cat to run across the road in front of you. This is true if you drive like Emil, unlucky for the cat.

 

# 9. It’s bad luck to put a hat on the bed, especially if it is your best friend’s bed and his wife is in it.

 

# 8. A Blarny stone is the stone set in the wall of the Blarny castle tower in the Irish village of Blarny. Kissing the stone is supposed to bring the kisser the gift of persuasive eloquance or Blarny……now I think that should be spelled Bologna !

 

# 7. If your cheeks suddenly feel on fire, this means that someone is talking bad about you. If this is true, then Obama’s cheeks should have burned off by now.

 

# 6. When you get a chill up your back or goosebumps, it means that someone is walking over your grave. In order for someone to walk over your grave, you must be dead so how would you know it was being walked over ?

 

# 5. It is bad luck to light 3 cigarettes with the same match. Matches do not burn that long so you really have to be a fast puffer to smoke 3 before the match goes out.

 

# 4. Cows lifting their tails is a sure sign that rain is coming. I have seen lots of cows lifting their tail but it was not rain that came…hello !!

 

# 3. Pulling out a white or grey hair from your head will cause 10 more to grow in it’s place. Guess no one pulled out the gray or white hairs from your head huh Randy ?

 

# 2. If your nose itches, you will be kissed by a fool. Nancy Pelosi’s husband’s nose must itch him to death.

 

# 1. Seeing an ambulance is very unlucky unless you pinch your nose or hold your breath until you see a black or brown dog. This is true if you see the ambulance from the inside and you are laying on a stretcher, but I really don’t think you would be looking for a black or brown dog.

 By: Jan

 # 10. Call your grown kids to see where they are, this always helps. If they don’t answer, start crying.

 

# 9. Walk from room to room looking out the windows and blow real hard, you might just blow the storm away.

 

# 8. Watch the birds, if they are flying upside down, the wind is really bad.

 

# 7. Play the radio real loud and maybe you won’t hear the thunder.

 

# 6. Look at your animals, if they are getting under tables, then you need to do that too, if you can find one that is big enough.

 

#5. Remember stop, drop, and roll ? Yeah, well that don’t work in a storm.

 

# 4. If all else fails, give your Mother a strong nerve pill and put her to sleep.

 

# 3. Watch the weather channel on tv until your cable goes out, then get your weather band radio out, plug it up, and by the time you find the right station the storm is over.

 

# 2. Go to your bathroom and sit on the toilet. I have seen devastation in whole towns and houses completely torn apart but the tiolet always makes it through.

 

# 1. If you live in a mobile home and have seen and heard all the warnings, but you continue to stay there, then get in a corner, crouch down, put your head between your legs as far as you can, and kiss your butt goodbye.

WLBG TOP TEN * Tuesday, May 7, 2013

#10…A couple thoughts on it, Randy: E-bay

 #9 … The state could get rich taxing computer sales or anything related to computers.  We could charge one fee for the mouse, another for the monitor, one for the keyboard and another for the CPU. Anyone who buys their computer on the internet should be able to figure out how to pay the extra tax.

 #8 … Sales tax on Internet Scams. For every $100 someone defrauds you of, they pay $5 in tax to South Carolina

 #7 … They could charge a tax – maybe just a penny or two – every time someone watches a You-Tube video. Imagine us collecting a penny for South Carolina every time someone watches those cute cats playing the piano

 #6 … We should charge an import tax here in South Carolina every time someone buys prescription drugs from Canada or Mexico

 #5  …States should be able to levy a tax on the sale of airline tickets. Anyone who can afford to fly should be able to cough up a few extra dollars. Imagine how much money we could raise for a ticket to San Francisco!

 #4 … Frozen Shrimp. It’s not a big market, as I understand it doesn’t hold up well during shipping, but we should still collect tax on it.

 #3 …There should be a sales tax when anyone orders Viagra over the internet. I understand the drug company that makes Viagra is setting up a web site just for online sales. I smell money!

 #2 … There should be an extra tax when anyone orders fake Viagra

 # 1 … Two Words, Randy: Porn Sites

 

 By Jan

# 10. When the deer have to swim across the road in front of you instead of running, and you have to decide which mud hole has less water so you can dodge the deer.

 

# 9. The day you can put a little shampoo on your dogs then let them out and they come in wet and clean.

 

# 8. If the water table in your area and the kitchen table are at the same level.

 

# 7. When you see cats running all around with a puzzled look on their face cause they can’t find any dry sand to take a morning dump !

 

# 6. You have had clothes on the line for 5 days and they are still not dry.

 

# 5. What about the 2 foot high red mounds in your yard, it is the fire ants having to build much higher than usual to get out of the water.

 

# 4. Look out in your neighbor’s back yard and see them dancing in the rain, naked as a Jay bird, but with a bar of soap and a towel.

 

# 3. Don’t go fishing cause if the fish come to the top of the river and open their mouth, they might drown.

 

# 2. When the squirrels and birds gather at your back door and ask to use your blow dryer.

 

# 1. You ask some one to go to the store for you and they have to ask the neighbor to let them borrow their boat.