Top Ten Other Religious Reasons to Deny Service in Arizona Stores

 #10…Corn Farmers. Randy, the Bible prohibits men from dropping their seed upon the soil. I’m sure this covers all corn farmers.

.  #9 … Anybody asking to buy on credit are to be run out of the store. The scripture says “Neither a borrower nor a lender, be…”  In fact, I think Arizona needs to shut down any bank that lends money. 

 #8 … Blasphemers….you know, people who speak irreverently of God. I’m thinking a store owner will hear these folks coming before they hit the front door. 

 #7 … Jealous folks…..most shop owners can spot envy when it walks in the door. 

 #6 … Witches. Randy, no matter how beautiful a woman may be; it she has a pointy black hat and a broom, she does not get served.

 #5  …People who participate in Lotteries should be denied service. I can’t cite the specific scripture, but in your heart, you know its wrong, Randy. Wrong. It’s wrong I tell you!

 #4 … People who get real drunk. It’s usually easy to spot these folks. 

 #3 … People who have “Fits of Rage.”  Randy, I’m glad I’m signed up for Anger Management Class.

 #2 … People who call a radio station at the end of a talk show, when it’s too late to take the call. Phone calls made too late are in the Bible, right next to the verse about Cleanliness being next to Godliness.

 # 1 …People who create discord. The Bible clearly speaks against this. This, Randy will eliminate many of our politicians and most radio talk show hosts.

Top Ten Things I Am Prone to Ponder

 

                On a rainy day with nothing much going on, these are things of which I wonder as my mind tends to wander

 #10…How many people can successfully ride on one moped?

 #9 … How many people can ride in one Bus in Mexico City?

 #8 … How many Buzzards can crowd on top of the Laurens West Main Water tower at one time?

 #7 … If a mobile Meth lab crashes into the woods, can you charge somebody with Illegal Disposal of Meth Waste. After all, it was an accident, Randy, Meth-Heads don’t wreck on purpose.

 #6 … How to you dispose of meth waste legally?

 #5  …If a meth lab blows up and there is no one around, does it make a sound?

 #4 … Should Dentists report their suspicion of meth-related dental problems to the police? What about the santity of Doctor-Client privilege. I don’t think this has yet been settled by the courts, and inquiring minds wan to know.  

#3 … Why do they always put the horses n the back of the Christmas Parade?

 #2 … How do the neck tie factories stay in business? The few people who still wear ties all have hundreds

 # 1 … Why is it…can anyone tell me please… why do cows in pastures around Gray Court sleep with one eye open.

Top Ten Reasons a Man May Have Stolen a Pickled Sausage

 (Inspired by  today’s Local News)

#10… He’s become addicted to the picked sausage, he loves ‘em, but he does eat them real slow.

 #9 … They didn’t have any pickled eggs available. 

 #8 … It’s close to valentine’s day and his girlfriend just craves pickled sausage! Christy’s didn’t have any in stock.

 #7 …He had just stolen a big 24-ounce Magnum and had nothing to eat with it. You know, beer goes great with pickled sausage. . 

 #6 … He was having digestive issues and had always heard that pickled sausage will set you free.

 #5  …It was a protest against the inhumane treatment of our porky friends. 

 #4 … Two words, Randy: Professional Wrestling. Everybody knows that noting beats a pickled sausage when you’re watching professional wrestling.

 #3 …He was angry about loosing money on a lottery ticket and this was payback.

 #2 … He asked his sick and dying mother if there was anything he could get for her and she replied “You know, I sure would like a pickled sausage right now. It’s something any child would do for his sick mother.

 # 1 … He was having trouble with his regular sausage and thought perhaps some store-bought pickled sausage would fit the bill.

Top Ten Reasons the LC Airport Weather Station Stopped Working Last Night

 #10…For letters, Randy: UATR. The Union of American Thermometer Readers.  The airport meter readers heard the talk in Washington about the minimum wage, looked at their check stubs, then joined the Union and went on strike. These are people who have been forgotten, but now we know how much we need them. Just look at the folks standing out in their yards begging for an accurate temperature reading.

 #9 … It was a ‘Fair Weather’ Thermometer. It works well as long as the temperate stays between 20 and 100 degrees, but it just can’t take the cold. Surely someone had noticed that writing on the top ‘Fair Weather Thermometer.’  

 #8 … Two Words, Randy:  Bad Mercury. There had been complaints about the quality of the mercury used, which went unheeded, and now we’re all suffering.

People wandering around in their underwear looking up to the sky saying “why me”

The Humanity!  

 #7 …. The thermometer was so cold that the thermometer reader was trying to warm it with some warm weather before he touched it. Apparently, the shock shattered it.

 #6 … As you know, the thermometer at the Laurens County airport was being read by remote control from Atlanta. The man who was supposed to make the readings last night is still stuck in a big, frozen traffic jam on I-85.

 #5  …Maybe the problem is actually that they purchased that thermometer at the jockey lot back in 1987. You know we’ve discovered that equipment from the jockey lot is not always as reliable as one might prefer.

 #4 …We suspect that one of the numerous stray dogs of Laurens County happened by the official Laurens County Airport weather station and took a whiz on it. Then ‘ping’ it was gone. 

 #3 …As you know, the airport thermometer was located, strangely enough, out behind a hanger out of direct sunlight. What you didn’t know was that many ‘No Zoning’ signs were stored on a shelf on the side of that hanger. When the temperature approached 10 degrees early this morning the nails holding the shelf up popped out and all those ‘No Zoning’ signs fell onto our beloved thermometer. Crash, it was gone.

 #2 … We suspect the thermometer was made at the Joanna Thermometer & Sock Factory. We think they were overly focused on a run of socks on the day the airport thermometer was made.

 # 1 … Its George Bush’s Fault.

Top Ten Other Things a Wedding Dress May Stop

(In addition to a 9 mm slug) 

#10… Sex Drive

#9 … Dreams of Success

 

#8 … Super Bowl Party with Friends

 

#7 … Attempts to jump more than 20 buses on your Harley

#6 …All-Night Possum Hunts

 

#5  …Letting the Possum Dogs in on a Cold Night

 

#4 … Possum Dog Sleeping with You in Your Bed on a Cold Night

 

#3 …Being Sgt. at Arms on Luau Night at the Moose Lodge in Joanna

 

#2 … Allowing things to AGE in the refrigerator

 

# 1-A … Telling the truth….such as Being Plain Spoken about someone’s Personal Appearance

 

# 1-B      Getting frisky with your sister’s loose girlfriend.

Top Ten Reasons Someone May Be Intimidated Not to Appear on Radio with Randy

  #10… Randy, a lot of people remember the picture of the Unibomber in the papers years ago. Like you, He wore a cap and had a short beard.  I don’t think we need to discuss that any further.

 

#9 … Two words, Randy:  India Palace!

#8 …Perhaps someone is scared of Large People.

 

#7 … Perhaps someone is scared of Large People who ride motorcycles.

 

#6 … Let’s say you have reddish hair, a prominent nose and share other features with a Golden Retriever. Considering Randy’s experiences with a Golden Retriever, this would be scary.

 

#5 …You may be intimidated by devilish good looks. Or, as Randy puts it, ‘brutally handsome.’ I can certainly understand this.

 

#4 …You fear you may become part of a commercial.

 

#3 …If if happens to be on a ‘shirtless Tuesday,’ well…you can see how that would change a person’s life. Once on the brain, some images refuse to leave!

 

#2 … There’s always that threat of the NSA monitoring WLBG. We have safety features, but that’s one data base no one wants to be on!

 

# 1 … The powerful voice of a famous person.

TOP 10 REASONS JOANNA IS THE NEXT ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT SUCCESS STORY

10.     No Zoning.  It’s a known fact that corporations are attracted to communities with absolutely no zoning……like Greenville, Spartanburg and Columbia.  Wait…..well some corporations…….like pig farms.

 

9.       Beer.  Yes, beer.  If you were a beer can recycling company what better place to be than where the per capita consumption of beer is highest in the land…..and as a bonus, lots of people just chunk em out on the ground.

 

8.       Mayor Sharon Brownlee ain’t there.  You don’t have to worry with a meddlesome mayor telling you that you can’t trash the place.

 

7.       No competition.  There’s not a lot of industry in Joanna.  So, if you’re the only game in town you can pay what you want.  Nobody complains.

 

6.       Night life.  Executives like to party as much as anyone so when they’re selecting where to put a new factory they want to know about local entertainment.  Joanna has the Moose Lodge.  Nuff said.

 

5.       Unique.  These rich yuppie corporate types like things that are unique.  Joanna is unique.  Even has it’s own nickname………..The Wild Kingdom.

 

4.       Common Sense.  Now, it may be true that there are SOME folks in Joanna who are known to have very little sense of any kind…..there are also plenty of residents endowed with common sense.  That’s something sorely missing in the corporate world.  They need it.

 

3.       Conflict Resolution.   Corporate lawyers are so expensive.  In Joanna, conflicts are more frequently resolved with a good old fashioned country ass whoopin.

 

2.       Geography.  Of course there’s an interstate nearby but there’s also natural attractions…..Stomp Springs, Bush River and Elmo’s Crab Shack.

 

1.       No City Taxes!!!  No question No how No way.  No city taxes now or ever.  Not city services at all either but still…….NO CITY TAXES !!!

Top Ten Way to Tell Someone’s Trespassing on your Property

 #10… You discover one morning that the tin foil is missing from inside your hat.

 #9 …  If you return home to observe putrid evidence that someone with a digestive problem used your bathroom while you were gone; clogging your porcelain facility, you may have had a trespasser in the house.

 #8 … If you find a big scrape in the hood of your car that wasn’t there the night before.

 #7 … If you return home to find a no-zoning sign at your front door.

 #6 …If you come home and find, on your stove, evidence of a meth lab; someone has probably been trespassing on your property. 

 #5  …If you find members of the Sheriff’s Officer waiting on you when you return home, making implication that you may be a wanted person, perhaps it all stems from something done by a trespasser. 

 #4 … If you come home and see a big Happy Birthday banner stretched between the trees in the front yard and a big Hefty bag overflowing with Budweiser Light cans on the porch, I’m thinking you have some unauthorized visitors.

 #3 …If you leave home for vacation with your lawn perfectly manicured and return a week later to find an active turkey farm in your front yard, you’ve had a trespasser on the scene.

 #2 … If you find Brian Bentley’s Pontoon tied up to a tree in your front yard, you may or may not have had a trespasser, depending on how much rainfall we’ve had.

 # 1 … You can tell someone has been trespassing in your yard at night if you find cats inside your van.

 

Top Ten Inadvisable New Year’s Resolutions

 #10… We don’t suggest you resolve to smoke a joint of marijuana every week. This is not Colorado.    

 #9 … No matter how you may be tempted, and how distressed your financial situation is, you should not resolve to save money this year by purchasing your electronic equipment at the Anderson Jockey Lot. 

 #8 … It is not a good idea to resolve to make regular weekly visits to Elmo’s Crab Shack every weekend. The Affordable Health Care Act Doesn’t Cover complications from that sort of thing.

 #7 … It may be a good idea to resolve to exercise more often here in 2014, but we don’t recommend you resolve to do a bungee jump from the water tower in Joanna; no matter how many of your friends are doing it.  

 #6 … A resolution to drive down Laurens’ Pinehaven Street with an open container of Budweiser light in your car….this can lead to no good.

 #5  …We here at WLBG suggest that your resolutions not include adding a cruise to Antarctica to get a close look at the allegedly melting ice shelf. 

 #4 …You should not resolve to react to every heavy rainfall by hiking down the Laurens Little River Walking Trail. We all love the trail, but it gets rather squishey with heavy rain.

 #3 … We don’t suggest you resolve to roll your own – without the assistance of Prince Albert.

 #2 … Thanks to Jim’s call this morning that reminded us of one resolution you should not make.

Do not make any resolutions to eat a lot of Wisconsin Cheese, even if the Gamecocks did defeat the Badgers in the New Year’s Bowl Game. Constipation is NOT your friend.

 # 1 … It’s inadvisable to resolve to send flowers to your girlfriend on special occasions and charge them to your wife.

Top Ten Replacements for LDHS Coach Greg Lawson

 #10… Nick Saban. After loosing that game to Auburn because he just had to pile on one more field goal, he’s no longer welcome in Tuscaloosa.

 

#9 … Coach Arbogooble. Anybody who can pick football game outcomes the way he does deserves a chance to coach the Raiders. 

 

#8 … Coach Danny Ford. He obviously is looking for things to do, after all, he’s on all those Kia TV ads. He looks rested and ready to coach some more.

 

#7 … Mike Hughes. We know he understands football. He’s retired from his day job and has some time to invest. He loves the game and WLBG can always use another friend on the football field.

 

#6 … Dabo Sweeney. After the Tigers lost to the gamecocks five years in a row in such humiliating fashion, he’s got to be looking over his shoulder. Laurens would be a perfect next choice. He could commute for a while, if necessary, until he decides which of those big houses on West Main he wants to buy for his wife. 

 

#5  …One of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Any of ‘em will do. Not that they really how to coach that well, but they’ve been around a lot of great games and they’ve got those certain attributes that can really motivate a young man to excel. 

 

#4 … King Dixon. I know its been a few years since he was a star player for the Marines, or All-American at USC, even more years since he was a big star for Laurens High – but when you’ve got it like King, you never lose it!

 

#3 …Richard Simmons. He could whip those overweight linemen into shape. Teach’em to dance and dazzle on the football field. Coach Lawson never taught’em how to dance!

 

#2 …Phil Robertson…..I can’t believe they fired him from Duck Dynasty. Anybody who can make Duck Calls like that can surely make some great football calls. Of course, he may have to at least trim that beard of his.

 

# 1 … Coach Scott King from CHS. After Clinton has hired the Police Chief then the CPW Manager from Laurens, maybe it’s time for Laurens to hire some luminous leader from Clinton.