Top Ten Things to Avoid at a Funeral

#10… Do not take pictures of the event with your smart phone. That would not be very smart, therefore being a misuse of a smart phone.

 

#9 … You want to avoid handing our business cards at the funeral. ….Especially if you are a life insurance salesperson. 

 

#8 … Do not volunteer to sing at a funeral. Even if you think you can carry a tune.

 

#7 … Ministers – no matter how stressed your church’s finances are, do NOT fall to the temptation to take up an offering during the funeral.

 

#6 … Its OK to offer water to those attending a funeral, but we here at WLBG suggest that, no matter how hot it is or how thirsts may be inclined, you should not pass out cold cans of  Bud Lite.

 

#5  …When you get into the funeral procession, if your car is equipped with large spiky wheels or loud mufflers, attempt to be as indiscrete as possible. Try to blend into the surroundings, and no matter how you may be tempted, do not attempt a road race with other cars in the lineup. .

 

#4 … Ladies, tank tops should be avoided, as well as dresses that are so short that undergarments are easily exposed at the slightest movement. Now the men will not disapprove, and you may get a lot more hugs from guys than usual, but we just do not feel this is appropriate, and does not show proper respect for the dearly departed.

 

#3 …No matter how happy you are to see anyone at the funeral, you should avoid breaking into gales of laughter with giant smiles on your face. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about this just somehow seems to be somewhat inappropriate.  

 

#2 … If you are going to have an interpreter to sign for the deaf at the funeral, be sure you check out the emotional stability of the interpreter.

 

# 1 … Avoid the temptation to flirt with an attractive woman within ten feet of your wife.

 

 

Top Ten Things Laurens County is Becoming Famous For

 #10…Laurens County – where you can open any kind of business wherever you want, as long as it is not a purveyor of sexually explicit activities 

 

#9 …Rural Laurens County – A place where you are Free from the Nasty Z Word. In fact, you add more pigs to your front yard anytime you want, as long as you don’t charge people to observe any procreation activity.    

 

#8 …Laurens County – with one of the highest ratios of churches to people in the State.  

 

#7 … Ekom Beach – Proof you don’t have to drive 200 miles to see a beach.

 

#6 … Laurens County – Where our Top Law Enforcement Officer is also our Champion Wrestler every Christmas. Minnesota has nothing on us with their former Governor.

 

#5  …The City of Laurens – the Up-State’s Bedroom Community for Buzzards! 

Anyone with a longing desire to do some serious Buzzard Watching need only take a stroll down by the West Main Water Tower.

 

#4 … Laurens County – proof you don’t have to drive to Gaffney to see cars racing in the dirt.   

 

#3 …Laurens County – Where else can you can go to a strip club featuring mature women. Really mature women. You can see young women anywhere, Randy, but only at Elmo’s Crab Shack do you get the “Older Touch.”  Sorry, Didn’t mean to refer to “touch,” less I make inappropriate insinuations.   

 

#2 …Laurens County – Meth Lab to the World

 

# 1 …Laurens City – Training Ground for City of Clinton Department Heads

Top Ten “Black Friday” Specials You May Not Know About

 

#10…To help our local meth-heads avoid such frequent arrests, how about a special on a Child’s Chemistry set that is, in fact, a disguise for a meth lab. It comes complete with antifreeze, drain-o and lithium. Instead of test tubes it comes with empty Pepsi bottles.

 

#9 … A special on bacon that actually passes the test for Kosher and Falal codes. It’s actually made from goats. Goat Bacon. Puts “Go” in your morning. 

 

#8 … One store has an unbelievably low price on Trojans. The price is too low to believe, until you realize these are recycled.

 

#7 … The book section at K-Mart has a special selection of Bibles at only 30% of regular retail. The special was offered when they discovered this run of Bibles didn’t include the book of Hezekiah. I’m going to get one of these, because I think I can get through the day without any passages from Hezekiah.

 

#6 … Wal-Mart has a super shirt special. Regular $25 shirts slashed to just $1 each, as long as they last. Sure, they were made with three arms, but the third is in the back and no one will see it as long as you keep your jacket on.

 

#5  …Frozen Turkeys are on sale at some of our local grocery stores. Seems like they had prepared for greater demand, and those baby’s want keep until next year.

 

#4 …We understand that Elmo Arbogooble has a BOGO special -  buy one, get one free, on lap dances at the Crab Shack tonight.

 

#3 …We understand some of the Columbia area Cinemas have 75% discounts on movie tickets tomorrow night, for all movies starting around 7 pm. We suspect there is some unusual competition in town tomorrow night.

 

#2 …L & L Office Supply and Davis Business systems are having a heck of a deal on all remaining 2013 calendars. Imagine, you’ve got the whole month of December to enjoy your savings. 

 

# 1 … We here at WLBG, in order to get into the spirit of the season, are getting ready to sell some of our older computers. They have served us well. In fact, one has given good service since I picked it up at the jockey lot in 1998. Hurry, these wont last long at the prices we have on them.

 

  Then come back Monday because all the various computer parts that are left after today will be included in our Monday Sack Sale. Randy, your office alone with fill a couple sacks!

 

Top Ten Dishes for Left-Over Thanksgiving Turkey

 

 #10… Turkey Nibbles. Tonight, we’ll still be full from the midday feast so we’ll just nibble on some remaining white meat around the breast bone. 

 

#9 …Popcorn Turkey. It’s like the Chipped Beef dish so many people love, only with turkey. Lots and lots of turkey covered in a cream sauce. It’s really delicious with big fat chunks of mushroom.

 

 #8 …Turkey Dressing. You get all of the left-over dressing, chop up some remaining turkey parts and mix it all together. Cover it all with chopped onions and left-over turnip greens and bake it for 15 minutes. It is to die for!

 

#7 … Turkey Casserole. This helps you not only use up the remaining turkey but also gets rid of any left over beans, peas, corn niblets and even asparagus if you don’t mind adding a chewy component. You can really kick this up a notch by adding some hominy!

 

#6 …Turkey – Rhubarb Pie.  Turkey….it’s not just for the main course anymore. Pieces, properly picked from the bone, finely mixed with delicate Rhubarb, freshly imported from Minnesota. ….A vastly underrated treat.

 

#5  … Turkey Meth:  You know, some meth-heads can be thankful, too. To make this, you use a quart of Prestone Anti-freeze, a pint of Drain-O, a cup of Turkey Fat and you season with a few shakes of lithium powder; then cook it for 20 minutes in a 3-pint plastic Coca-Cola bottle. They say it has an odd taste initially then gives quite a bonus kick. It doesn’t correct your dental issues but it may clean up your skin!

 

#4 … Turkey Van Da Lu. This is inspired by our friends at the India Palace. You take the now aging carcass and add lots of red-hot Indian Spices! The curry turns the turkey into a beautiful orange-yellow color. What a delightful and tasty Treat!

 

#3 …Turkey Cajun Bar-B-Que. You chop up parts you have avoided so far, then liberally apply Tabasco Sauce and call it Cajun Bar-B-Que.  And, unlike most BBQ, this dish is Kosher!  

 

#2 … Turkey Tummy:  with all the hot spices from some of our earlier dishes, this is designed to help soothe your tummy. It has a purée of turkey mixed with Milk of Magnesia and an added dash of Pepto-Bismol for color and added soothing.

 

# 1 …It’s the Un-Turkey dinner. That old bird has hung around for so long, that odd color you noticed a few days before is now taking on deeper dimensions, so the best solution is to chunk it – let the Buzzards on West Main have a go at it – and let’s all head out to the Hub for a Cheeseburger Plate!

The Top Ten Subjects the Appropriateness and Decency Committee

#10… Based on special meetings and alerts created by a previous Top Ten, we have been cautioned about speaking further about Toll Booths being placed on Interstate 385

#9 … The low supply and resulting high cost of Sudafed …it’s no longer easy to get enough of the stuff to really take care of a nasty cold, but for some reason they don’t want us to go there.  

#8 … The sale of alcohol from the sight-seeing tour boats on the Little River in Laurens …I don’t think the council vote to sell beer at concerts beside the river was intended to authorize this!  

#7 … The Proliferation of Possums in Greater Joanna …it’s becoming a problem, Randy!

#6 … The desperate need of paint on the Laurens railroad tussle on North Harper

#5  …We are told we should no longer speak of the nocturnal activities of our Bovine friends in the fields around Gray Court.  

#4 … The trials and tribulations of a woman who just wanted to wear Pajamas while she came to school with her child.….I think she went from there to Wal-Mart!

#3 … The Buzzards of Laurens’ West Main Street Water Tower. 

#2 … the traffic snarl at the US Post Office in Laurens  …this is the definition of what it really means to go postal! Randy, we’re taking our lives into our hands just trying to visit the post office!

# 1 … The personal hygiene situation in various portions of the WLBG broadcast center, especially after certain people have spent a delightful evening at the India Palace

Top Ten Alternative Explanations for the Swerve a Woman Made

 (Woman arrested last night after allegedly swerving and driving past a house where Deputies were making Drug arrests)

#10… She had just heard a Bing Crosby song on the radio. He was singing “White Christmas” and it moved her to tears, as always happens. It’s hard to drive straight when you are all blurry-eyed. 

 #9 … Four Words, Randy: Possum in the Road 

 #8 … She was swerving to miss a Golden Retriever. Randy, surely you can understand this.

 #7 … Wrong address. She was looking for Fresh Eggs!

 #6 …Two Words: Wet Pavement. I believe if we check we could find a little bit of rain fell out north of Ware Shoals last night.

 #5  … This all started because that woman had failed to take our Governor’s pledge. Turns out, she was actually texting while driving!

 #4 …. Moonlight. Moonlight I suspect she had heard about a dead skunk in the road and was swerving at shadows in the road at sight of a shadow. 

 #3 …Superstition. She saw a back cat cross the driveway she was about to enter and knew better than to continue across that path.

 #2 … She was still suffering for a bad night’s sleep. Then while driving down the road she remembered hearing about the Mattress Warehouse and she suddenly swerved to turn and head to the store in Laurens. 

 # 1 … Restless Arm Syndrome.

Top Ten Activities Inspired by Various Adult Beverages

You are what you eat – But what you drink can impact what you do.

 

#10… A fine Tequila, such as Patron, makes folks want to listen to Jimmy Buffet while sitting on the back porch in a loose-fitting shirt plastered with pictures of palm trees.

 

#9 …  We realize a popular song recently said that Tequila make her clothes fall off, but our research indicates that Jagermeister is really what makes ’em peel off their threads.

 

#8 … Drinking Dos Equis makes me went to Climb Mount Everest, and to sit around acting cool while beautiful women hang on to my every word. If I drink a few of them, I can sometimes actually imagine it happening!

 

#7 … Ripple make you want to sleep under the overpass.

 

#6 … Chugging down a couple six pack of Bud Light makes you want to crawl into a stock car and race around Laurens County Speedway in the dirt.

 

#5  …Having a cup of Bailey’s Irish Cream with your early morning coffee while petting your well-groomed Golden Retriever can lead to an urge to sick the dog on passing motorcycles.

 

#4 …If you’re fortunate enough to have had some homemade Apple Pie Moonshine given to you; after sipping from the quart jar, you may find yourself on top of the Joanna water tower, regaling the community by loudly singing “Amazing Grace” from the top of your lungs. Consume enough of the Moonshine and you may also get up the nerve for an exciting bungee jump.  

 

#3 … Going through several cold cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon while eating spicy, hot chicken wings and watching the game with you buddies can lead to communal urination on the lawn.

 

#2 … Mixing Boody Marys,  Champaign Punch, home-made egg nog and margaritas during the family Christmas gathering leads to urges to head out to the Quick-Pack Store and buy more cigarettes, tampons and fake snow then come sing “Felix Navidad” as the lights come on. 

 

# 1 … Apparently, as we learned from an incident last evening outside the Wal-Mart Distribution Center, if you polish off a bottle of Barefoot Bubbly Pink Muscato, you have an overwhelming desire to hurl chunks of asphalt through the windows of a Ford F-150 Pickup. They need to include that on the warning label.

 

 

Top Ten Signs You May Be a Loser

 #10… If you get put on Trespass notice at Wal-Mart for any reason, you may be a loser.

 

#9 …  If you are arrested on a Criminal Domestic Violence charge, and it happens to be your third offense, you should consider if, perhaps, you may be a loser.

 

#8 … If you get a prestigious government position with responsibility of designing an important new website for millions to use in getting their health care, but only a few can log on, you may be a loser. 

 

#7 … If the police have you on a list of folks who have purchased too much Sudafed, you may be a loser.

 

#6 …If the love of your life has taken out a court order that prohibits you from getting with 500 yards of her, you may be a loser. 

 

#5  …If you are NOT a Boy Scout, and you slept outside last night, then you may be a loser. 

 

#4 … If the 1st lady’s anti-obesity committee uses your picture in any portion of their publications, you may be a loser. …A big, fat loser. 

 

#3 … If your freezer contains meat products harvested from the side of the road, (even in this cold weather) you may be a loser.

 

#2 … If, upon encountering a police traffic safety checkpoint, you find yourself being asked to walk a straight line, you just may be a loser.

 

# 1 … If you have been incarcerated in Laurens County and the police charge made reference to a deadly quart of frozen hash, you may be a loser.

Top Ten Businesses We Want to See During “Opportunity Knocks”

 

#10… A Hoochie Coochie Show – Remember those cute girls showing off for all the boys to watch?  What a great life.  

 

#9 …  A Meth Lab Equipment Supply Store. They should do big business around here.

 

#8 … A Monkey Grooming Service. This came to mind the last time Elmo came by the radio station with JW, that nasty monkey of his. It was gruesome! And the Smell!!! Ugh!

 

#7 … A Pole Dance Equipment & Polishing Service … one with highly trained technicians, because too little polish and it’s looks so heap, while too much polish and the girls can’t get a grip. You know, Slippage is a terrible thing.  

 

#6 … You know they’re going to have ‘Pop-up’ Stores. We understand the Joanna Possum Processing Plant is going to Pop-Up with an Outlet Store featuring Possum Pate. Now these are seconds, Randy; but still rather tasty.

 

#5  … A Medical Marijuana Shop. We think this could free up our law enforcement officers for more important work.

 

#4 …A storefront church on the square for Snake Handlers. Timid snake handlers. Folks who don’t want to grab the live rattlesnakes like they do up in the mountains. It’s going to be called “The Night-crawler Primitive Baptist Church”  Specailly-bred large and in-charge night-crawlers, Randy. Big, slimy, creepy-crawley ones. Baby steps at first.  

 

#3 …WLBG is encouraging a 2nd hand radio supply store to open. We’re promising to shift all our purchases from the Jockey Lot to shop Laurens County 1st. We’ll buy all our transistors and diodes from this place. You meth heads who could never find a place to fence such things now have an outlet.

 

#2 … A store for folks looking for cheap stuff. The Dollar Tree has been popular in many circles….this’ll be even better. It’s the Half-Dollar Tree.

 

# 1 … A counseling service for folks with alternative lifestyles – not so much gays and trans-genders as folks who love to drink and aren’t quitters.

  I understand you once worked with such a group, Randy.

 (Yeah, it was called DAMM – Drunks against Mad Mothers)

Top Ten Explanations for the Naked Man Reported to Clinton Public Safety

#10… He actually left the house fully clothed, in a fine wool suit. He was attacked by a swarm of Rabid, aggressive moths. Quite Scary….I don’t know about you, but it’s polyester for me from now on!

 

#9 … He had taken Governor Haley’s pledge not to text and he was showing his support proving to all he was not even carrying a cell phone.

 

#8 …He was attempting to start a Nudist Colony in Landau apartments. We’ve heard talk. What a brave man he is. 

 

#7 … Two words, Randy: Male Menopause. Those hot flashes are rough!

 

#6 … It’s just like the king in that ancient fairy tale, Randy. Someone had sold this man an exquisite suit of the finest threads. Unfortunately, he was now surrounded by people with sufficient good taste. .

 

#5  … This was a health concern, Randy. His doctor mentioned he was looking pale so he was stocking up on vitamin D.

 

#4 …He was on his way to Ekom Beach, where he planned to rent some swimming trunks.

 

#3 …Randy, it’s obvious that the neighbor-lady who reported him to the police didn’t realize he was just innocently responding to a situation. The man had just showered and didn’t have any clean towels left, so he was out trying to get a fresh-air dry.

 

#2 … He was getting accustomed to what he needed to do in order to participate in the Mr. Nude America Pageant.

 

# 1 … Alien Abduction, Randy…and he had just been probed.