Top Ten Things Trick-or-Treaters Should Be Cautious About Tonight

 #10… No matter what, don’t take any Free Eggs tonight.  with all the buzzards around here, you never now where those eggs are from!  

 

#9 … Kids should be careful about consuming any pieces of candy that display a “No Zoning” logo, as this is a clear indication that this stuff is dangerously out of date!

 

#8 … Parents should having their kids avoid Elmo’s Crab Shack tonight. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.  

 

#7 … Children should not accept bottles of Seagram’s Ice as treats tonight. Not only is alcohol banned for children, but these bottles have become ‘weaponized’ in Laurens County.

 

#6 … Any children who treat-or-treat at the Laurens County Animal Shelter should take care if they try to give you a puppy…..be sure it’s been spayed or neutered.

 

#5  …Kids out trick-or-treating tonight should avoid black cats. Any black cat can be a bad omen on Halloween, but especially those with a white stripe down the back.

Those are dangerous living OR dead.

 

#4 … Kids who trick-or-treat at the Ice Cream truck should carefully check to be sure it’s ice cream they have been given. Take a flash light with you if you need it to be sure what you’re about to eat. If its green and leafy, give it back right away!

 

#3 …If Wyatt Mattison can’t resist the urge to go out trick-or-treating tonight, we urge him to avoid a visit to the Clown Rehab Center; we understand a visit there can be shocking, even for civilians.

 

#2 … Doctor and Nurses uniforms are OK, but we strongly urge our children to avoid dressing up like you’re from HealthCare.gov – you could become the object of a lot of intensive anger in some parts of our community.  

 

# 1 …To children who will be trick-or-treating in Joanna tonight, we suggest you avoid eating anything they give you smeared onto a cracker. We understand there’s been an outbreak of possum fever in the neighborhood, so we urge caution.

Top Ten Possible Songs Suggested by Current News

#10… From our local story today about “Woman Screams on Isle 10,”  A Halloween thriller called “I Heard a Scream on Wal-Mart’s Isle Ten,

….but I didn’t hear nobody pray”

#9 … From our story about the allegedly intoxicated woman arrested while walking down Durbin Road this morning, barefoot with 38 degrees, comes the lyrics…    “Drunk woman in the middle of the road….middle of the road….middle of the road. There’s a drunk woman in the middle of the road and she’s not wearing sox or shoes.”

#8 …Or, from the same story, how about “Yo Mama was walking bare foot at 38 degrees”

#7 …Or, for a more sentimental song inspired by the same story, we have…“It was cold on the outside, but warm in my heart!

#6 … From the story about the Cops investigating the couple found growing marijuana plants, who claimed they were tomato plants….but eventually they came clean and retrieved the plants from the trash can and turned them in to be destroyed.

….we have the Lewis Grizzard-inspired song: They took my tomatoes from the trash can and stomped them suckers flat!

#5  … From our local story about the woman who was getting her father’s prescription filled and couldn’t find the pocket-book to pay for the medicine because it was stolen…..  “Mama’s, don’t let your babies grow up to be Meth Heads.”

#4 … From the story where the man reported his son’s house was broken into in mid-September, and he only reported it yesterday because, at the same time, his son was jailed in Atlanta. He said they took all his son’s clothing – including his underwear.

“They stole the fruit right off his loom.”

#3 … From the technical troubles with the government health care web site comes the love-lorn-lyrics….    “You said you loved me, but your Web Site wouldn’t Open for Me.”

#2 … From a compilation of local and national stories, we have the song: “I left my car at Little Cricket”

# 1 … From national news about the much-derided Affordable Care Act, we have a very popular new song of unrequited love….

“Will Obamacare cover a broken heart?”

Top Ten “Other” Things that Could Go Missing After a Visit from a “Friend”

 #10…The 50 hydrocodone prescription you just had picked up to help your mother-in-law just picked up to help manage her pain.

 #9 … Guys who have “lady friends” visit for the night are always calling the cops to report that, suddenly, their wallet went missing from their britches.  

 #8 … Your new fake rolex watch. It looked so much like the real one, your “friend” couldn’t resist taking it with her. (Upset or flattered?)

 #7 … Your brand new 4×4 Hemi-powered 6 passenger Ram extended cab truck

             (what a loss)

 #6 … Your mailbox. Seems like folks love to ‘borrow’ other folks mailboxes. Especially when they look like a little John Deere Tractor.  

 #5  … The copper tubing out of your air conditioner. This was especially painful during her August visit. 

 #4 …Your clown make-up kit.  (talk about taking the smile out of your life!)

 #3 …Your Dale Earnhart Jr. Lucky T-Shirt.

 #2 … Your old classic Philco am radio. How else can a person truly enjoy Good Morning Up-Country. Loose the radio and your whole world starts to crumble.    

 # 1 … Your odd beer can collection -They were all there, from the Falstaff to the Pabst Blue Ribbon. And don’t you especially hate it when the women start messing with your Schlitz….can

Top Ten Definitions of Common Expressions

#10…She has such a nice personality – Explanation: This is not someone who need bother entering a beauty contest 

 

#9 … She is Dog-Choking Ugly – Explanation: This is someone you could not even SMUGGLE into a beauty contest

 

#8 … He’s a Little Light in the Loafers – Explanation: Guys, don’t worry about this fellow stealing your girlfriend

 

#7 … I’m fixing to do it – Explanation: No, I haven’t done what you asked me to, but let’s just pretend I am about to do it

 

#6 …He is a few bricks shy of a load – Explanation: We’re not talking ‘gifted and talented’ here, folks

 

#5  …She is a ‘full figure’ woman – Explanation: There’s just a lot more to love… a whole lot more! 

 

#4 …This is such a quiet, peaceful town – Explanation: There’s nothing to do around here but sleep

 

#3 …You need to check the water quality index before swimming – Explanation: This lake is just one step from being a full-blown cesspool.

 

#2 … I only had a couple of  beers – Explanation: Someone, please, make the world quit spinning. What day is this, anyway?

 

# 1 … Your check is in the mail – Explanation: I’ve got to remember to avoid you in the future.

 

 

Top Ten Changes with the Government Shut-Down

 

#10…You know this closes the National Parks. So we can’t go see the ancient rocks at the Grand Canyon or the trees of the Okefenokee Swamp with the Spanish moss sagging from their limbs; but we can go to Elmo’s Crab Shack in Joanna and see things that are very old with features that are sagging. 

 

#9 … Elmo Arbogooble is Offering Guided Tours of the Congaree National Swamp, below Columbia, while the Park Service is shut down. He’s offering to take folks deep into the swamp for no charge. We suspect there will then be a heafty toll extracted for customers wanting to get OUT of the park.  

 

#8 …Think of all the great talking points this is giving talk radio, Randy. This stuff can go on for weeks, as long as someone doesn’t unintentionally actually agree with the other side and get the government back to work.  

 

#7 …Two words, Randy; Silver Lining. With no government, can we not conclude there are no taxes to pay? After all, there’s no one there to receive them, so why send ‘em.

….Which leads me to another two words: Check Kiting!

.

#6 …Why not have folk music singers do a ballad about “The Day our Government Shut Down.” Throw in a few references to drinking and a cheating wife, and you’ve got a smash country music hit, too!

 

#5 …We can finally identify with the poorer nations of the world. With our government shut down, we can now better identify with some of the 3rd world countries that never have had a properly operating government.

 

#4 … Here’s great news, Randy. We can slip into the Great Smokey National Park and feed bears all we want to, now. No more pesky rangers to interrupt this thrilling, joyful experience.

 

#3 …Think of all the extra fun you and the little ones can have in the Grand Canyon now. With no rangers, just sneak in and you can go wherever you want, lean over the rails and look thousands of feet to the bottom. Why, there’s no one to stop you if you want to take a whiz off the side of the canyon. 

 

#2 …This is the perfect time to visit Washington, DC. No need for guided tours of our capital building. Just sneak in and guide yourself, look through any unlocked files and find out all kind of stuff. Carry and camera with you and have your significant other take you picture stilling in the Speaker’s chair. Ladies, wear your sexiest tank top for this shot.

Top Ten Things To Do In Laurens If You Are Bored With What You Are Doing

By Jan Fullbright

# 10. Ride around and see how many meth labs you can find but don’t stop because it is dangerous to smell that stuff. Seems there is a lab on every corner these days.

# 9. Watch your neighbors in a cuss fight with sign language also, then hear one of them declare to an officer that the road in front of their house is their property.

# 8. Follow 4 Clinton men while they bag a gator weighing over 500 pounds and measuring 11 foot, 6 inches. I don’t know about you Randy, but I cannot think of a bag big enough to hold that gator.

# 7. Listen to the runoff election for Clinton mayor. McLean out in front, Danny Cook coming in with a close second. Just one more vote to decide y’all, one more, come on now, step up !

# 6. Listen to all the ways that Emil is going to cook and serve elephant meat. I bet he eats possum and frog legs too !

# 5. Look at the Laurens County most wanted pictures and info. One of them says male, approximate age,height,and weight. No color of hair or eyes but there is a picture of him, now why could they not get the color of hair and eyes from the picture, and if they could snap a picture of him, why didn’t they arrest him then ?

# 4. Watch a wrecker pulling a very torn up van and on the back of the van a sign that reads,” How’s my driving”, then gives a number to call, duh !!

# 3. Search your new tv for the eye the government is using to watch you. When you find it, walk up to it and strip, just see if you are on the news the next day and if they saw where you have a mole on you somewhere.

# 2. Follow the chicken checkers around in Clinton and see if they can really count how many chickens people have. Wonder if they are allowed to have a laughing rooster like Randy has.

# 1. Get your video camera out and come along with the repo man. Be sure to get footage of the 2 men throwing rocks and bricks at the wrecker towing off the re-poed vehicle. Get a good shot of the burgundy Buick that tried to run the repo man off the road and actually ran into the vehicle being towed, but the buick had too many other dents in it so they couldn’t tell if it had a fresh one or not.

Top Ten Ways to Eat an Elephant

#10… We understand the trunk can be sliced into big do-nut rings that, when properly fried, have a taste and consistency much like giant calamari.  

 #9 … Grind up the flank steak and mix in some Clemson blue cheese and we understand an Elephant burger is better than sex. Just good, clean, wholesome sex, Randy, not that nasty stuff you’re thinking of.

 #8 … Elephant BBQ – Look for the “Plains of Kenya” booth at Squealin’ on the Square next week”

 #7 … We understand that Elephant Vandaloo is quite popular in some regions of India, yet doesn’t have the negative consequence of Chicken Vandaloo that we’ve witnessed so often here at WLBG after Randy’s visit to the India Palace.

 #6 … Two words: Powdered Sugar. The chef shakes it on  elephant pancakes. One elephant ear can make several dozen of these delicacies.

Just add powdered sugar and you’re of into la-la land. No need to add butter because of their own natural fat.

 #5  … Elephant Sushi – add a bit of rice and a hot sauce and your taste buds will zing! Plus, with all the leaves elephants eat, consider the benefits of chlorophyll.

 #4 … Elephant Broth – If chicken soup is good for your soul, think of how beneficial elephant broth would be. Just add some potatoes and carrots, and a couple big onions, and you’ve got a meal to feed the while village. Really good, and healthy, too.

 #3 … Country-Cured Elephant – Take a small tail section, about the size of a large ham. Get a green one- fresh out of the jungle, rub it in salt, wrap it in cheese cloth, tie it tight then put Borax on top. Hang it for a year or two, checking from time to time to be sure the ants or maggots haven’t gotten in – then after a year or two, you’re talking delicious. 

 #2 …Elephant Steak – you think a beef porterhouse is big? Even the rib-eye or sirloin from an elephant is giant in comparison. Do a deep char on the outside, and the inside is absolutely delicious. I think most folks cut off the ugly outer edge . 

 # 1 … Elephant Tacos – something our Hispanic friends will love. That crunchy corn taste of the Taco really blends well with the essence of elephant.

Top Ten Things I Saw Or Heard About In Laurens County Over The Weekend

By Jan Fullbright

# 10. Thursday I saw two 40-year-old men moon their friend as he was driving home after work, they said it was because it was his birthday. He said it almost blinded him !

# 9. I saw a tiny chihuahua put two large boxer bull dogs in their place. She apparently rules the roost on that hill !

# 8. Hickory Tavern school had their 100 year anniversary last Saturday. Had a big turnout so I understand but no one showed up that was there when the school opened.

# 7. I actually saw mountain man sober !! He said he wanted to find him a girlfriend now, but was not going to trim his long beard or long hair that he keeps in a pony tail. Good luck with that !

# 6. Met a man who is 6 feet and 5 inches tall, all muscle, no fat on him and bald-headed. Just as sweet as he could be but the kind of man you would not want to make mad. His name was Punkin, I did not ask why. I did notice that when his little short wife told him it was time to go he said “Yes Ma’am !”

# 5. I heard a rustling sound way up in a tree, then saw a squirrel fall to the ground. I just knew it had hurt its self bad or maybe it was dead. It got up and looked around to see if other squirrels saw what happened, then shook off and ran back up the tree.

# 4. Read where the Haunted Jail is looking for groups to ” adopt a cell”. I heard all the cells were just about full so why would anyone need to adopt one ? Is the county so broke they can’t afford the cells ?

# 3. A Blue Grass band played for a benefit Saturday and I heard a man ask them if they knew a song with the title of, ” If my nose was full of nickels could I blow them all on you ?”

# 2. Waterloo had their cotton festival. They had funnel cakes with white stuff sprinkled on top, guess it was cotton. They even had candy made out of cotton in blue or pink !

# 1. A lady that attended the benefit for first responders in Fountain Inn was buying a hot dog when she thought she had locked her keys in the car. She asked if anyone could help her as she had apparently put her keys in her purse and left it in the car. Some men had one of those long orange things and they worked about 20 minutes getting into the car. Of course the alarm went off but the keys were not in there, she had left them at a counter when she filled out a slip for the drawing, so someone brought them to her so she could stop the alarm.

Top Ten Things We’ve Learned on the Radio Today

#10…It’s a good thing each year when we honor our Laurens County veterans of military combat, and the Hall of Heroes this Saturday is a very special day.

 #9 … If someone steals your marijuana, you probably don’t want to report that theft to the Po Po.

 #8 … If someone steals your marijuana and you learn someone else is going to report the theft to Police, you may be tempted to dissuade them from taking that action. 

 #7 … If you’re going to be buying and selling antiques, you need to know what you’re doing, so you need to come to the Laurens Library this evening at 6:30 to hear John Ivey share his knowledge on that  subject.

 #6 …If you carry a knife to school, make sure it’s not 3 inches long. You can probably get a ruler from the local office supply store. 

 #5  …Ladies, if you are ticked off at your Baby’s Daddy, texting that you’re gonna smack him next time you see him could be used in a court of law. 

 #4 … Men, If you’re having trouble getting along with your Baby’s Mama; and Ladies, if you’re having trouble getting along with your Baby’s Daddy, don’t resort to texting threats…instead, follow the advise offered yesterday by Lt. Heath Copeland – two words, folks, “Limited Contact.” …Maintain Limited contact with each other. 

 #3 … It’s a good thing when we recognize our past. Like the 100th Anniversary of Hickory Tavern School that is this Saturday afternoon, and the 3,000 people who attended Pioneer Day in Gray Court last Saturday. 

 #2 … If you find the allure of a Wal-Mart Super Center too much to resist, you may want to avoid behavior that would cause them to put a trespass notice on you.

 # 1 … If you’re so intoxicated you can’t stand up, you’re probably too intoxicated to drive a car.

Top Ten Things I Bet We Did Not Know About Animals

By Jan Fullbright

# 10. A female ferret will die if she goes into heat and cannot find a mate, that is all I am saying about that.

# 9. The flamingo can only eat when it’s head is upside down, I have seen kids try this.

# 8. Bet you didn’t know that a rat can last longer than a camel without water and they don’t even have humps.

# 7. Mosquitos are attracted to the color blue twice as much any other color, so tell me why they love me so much, I have green eyes !

# 6. A woodpecker can peck 20 times per second. That is some more fast pecking for one insect.

# 5. The octopus’ testicles are located in its head, this would explain why they will eat their own arms if they get hungry enough.

# 4. A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won’t, guess this tells us that being stubborn is really a good thing.

# 3. Dolphins can swim and sleep at the same time. I know people who can work and sleep at the same time.

# 2. The only mammals to undergo menopause are elephants and humpback whales, You really would not want to be around them at this time. Can you imagine an elephant having a hot flash ?

# 1. Some animals get drunk like the moose in Sweden in the fall of the year. They eat the rotten apples that fall from the trees and get drunk from them and cause havoc.