#10…This fellow had received an urgent call from his mother back home, saying his pet Camel had neither eaten nor slept since he’d been gone. You know, camels can go a long time without food or water, but they need their sleep. It must be a close bond between man and beast.

 #9 … He had just taken a job with Vidal Sassoon. Word is, this guy loves working with hair. You wouldn’t have thought it just to look at him. Goes to show, you can’t judge a book by its cover.

 #8 … During a super-secret election, this guy had been selected as the new Finance Minister for Greece. He had to rush off to save the day there. 

 #7 … This wasn’t as bad as it sounds, Randy. Word is that this Saudi was needed in a hurry in China. They have placed him in a t-shirt factory. Seems he is quite the loom fixer.  – a lost art.

 #6 … The little known secret is that this guy is an employee of Burger King there in Boston, where they’re planning to introduce a new Camel Burger. They say it’s quite tasty, and low in Cholesterol, too.   

 #5  .. It may just be a matter of politics. The paranoid political people have a theory that this fellow has just been named as our Ambassador to Chechnya. Unfortunately, the popularity of the Chechnyan people has plummeted.

 #4 …He is actually a New York Times Special Investigative reporter. They’re using this ruse of deportation to plant him in an Al Quida cell in Saudia Arabia

 #3 …He’s a salesman for the Haines Corporation, headed to Saudi Arabia to introduce a new line of underwear that’s supposed to provide the personal support we all need while also providing protection against the desert sands. Modern technology keeps things cool in the daytime and warm during the cold Arabian nights. (hard to wash – have to send it to a certified air conditioner repairman.

 #2 … He was working for an organization, had a health insurance policy. He just discovered the policy requires a proctology exam. That was the final straw, so he headed home. I think the idea of such an exam is against his religion.

 # 1 … It was actually just time to go home. He had been sent here to introduce the use of Camels to the people of Boston. The attempt ended as a colossal failure. We don’t know if the people there just didn’t like Camels or if the camels just didn’t like all the snow. .  Maybe they should have tried this down here – at Mountville.  Mountville folks are good with animals.

By Jan

 # 10. You find that you are not the only one that added  minutes to the ” Hour Glass Figure ” you used to have.

 # 9. You see more grey hair in one room than you have ever seen before.

 # 8. Heard one guy say,” remember when shake, rattle, and roll meant more than just getting out of bed ?”

 # 7. Met some friends that now live in the country and have chickens and about 6 roosters. One of the roosters just barely squeaks and has a high-pitched sound when he tries to crow, the man said the reason for this is because his wife named that rooster ” Prissy,” and it gave the rooster a complex.

 # 6. One man named Bud answered his cell phone saying ,” Hey this Bud’s for you .”

 # 5. Absolute fun to find out who can still dance and who can’t and who tried but never could.

 # 4. You actually stand before a judge and get a big hug rather than being sent to the pokey.

 # 3. Just amazing the food you get, hamburger with the trimmimgs,slaw, potato chips, and baked beans. You would really think that the cooks would know not to serve Beans to old farts !! But I guess with all the noise, no one would hear anything anyway.

 # 2. A guy that works at the Laurens Airport told me to please tell his boss that he needs a tractor with air conditioning and a stereo system so he can listen to WLBG.

 # 1. Thank the Lord for name tags !! Now the men that used to just look at your chest when talking to you now look at the name tag instead.

 By Jan

#10. When entering Alabama, you’ll find that the birds fly up side down.

 

# 9. When the governor’s mansion burned down in Birmingham, it just about took out the whole trailer park.

 

# 8. What about the 300 million dollar lottery. The guy who won it will get $ 3.00 a year for a million years.

 

# 7. How do we know the tooth brush was invented in Alabama …….Any other state would have called it teeth brush.

 

# 6. Was unfortunate that the University of Alabama’s library burned down……got both books but the real tragedy was that only one had been colored in.

 

# 5. The reason Albama students have TGIF written on their shoes….it means ” toes go in first “.

 

# 4. The real way you can tell that you are in Alabama…..all the cars are on blocks and the houses on wheels.

 

# 3. If a man divorces his wife in Albama….is she still his cousin ?

 

# 2. The reason all the tall pine trees in the state lean in towards Alabama is because Albama sucks !

 

# 1. Drinking age was raised from 21 to 30 in Alabama because the teachers got tired of the grade school students coming in with liquor on their breath.

Top Ten Ideas for Making Clinton’s Sanitation Division Self-Sustaining

 

#10… Hire New York City Garbage workers to collect Clinton’s garbage. These guys have some interesting ways to pick up extra change along the way. It’s not for use to understand, just benefit from a cash-rich garbage collection system. Those New York Italians are resourceful folks. 

 

#9 …Get the inmates at the Johnson Detention Center to do the work. They’re so bored being locked up they’d probably volunteer for the chance to get out of the pokey for a few hours of fresh air….well, to get out of jail for a few hours each morning.

 

#8 … Package each day’s garbage into small bundles, hundreds of small bundles; then hide a $100 bill in one of them and charge $1 per bundle. Folks love to gamble!

Imagine selling 1,000 bundles for stuff you’d otherwise have to pay to get rid of.

We’ll be rich, Randy!

 

#7 … Turn the entire sanitation division over to Elmo P. Arbogooble. Through his enterprises, he’s already very experienced in dealing with trash from operating “The Crab Shack” and the “Slut Hut.”

 

#6 … One Word: Goats. All the City of Clinton needs to do is provide a goat for each household. Goats will eat anything!  Just don’t use the Fainting goats of Mountville, they’re always falling down on the job.

 

#5  …We could sell the City of Clinton the Illusive WLBG Van. Since it can vanish from sight so easily, I’m sure it could make the garbage vanish, as well.

 

#4 … Have someone go through the trash at each house, then call the residents and threaten to tell the world what is discovered about their personal life unless they pay up. 

 

#3 …Two words: Beer Cans. If Clinton would just issue a fine of 5 cents per discarded beer can, they’d raise a million dollars a year. I don’t know why, but it may be the Joanna influence on Clinton folks.

 

#2 … Issue a Boys Scout Merit Badge for Garbage Collection. Those Boy Scouts are always prepared.

 

# 1 … Have some dude with a little white pickup drive thru folk’s yards scraping up the trash!

 

(for not having your tax return filed by today)

 #10…I was working on my tax return on the kitchen table last night and almost had it all figured out, then while I went to the bathroom the dog came in and ate my homework. 

 #9 … My baby’s mama left me last night while I was passed out… I mean, while I was sleeping. She took the tax forms with her, and left all her children with me.

 #8 … My boyfriend came after me with a knife, so I had to leave in a hurry, and I forgot to take my tax form with me.

 #7 …My girlfriend started beating me with the “stick end” of her broom this morning, and I can no longer remember where my tax forms are. 

 #6 …I am on one of those “Vegetarian” diets, and I’m getting tired of salad and beans; so when I saw the tax forms last night, in a famished state, I shook some salad dressing of them and gobbled them up. 

 #5  …I had to have an operation to save my life, and it cost me all the money I was saving to pay my taxes with.  

 #4 … I was on the way to the Post Office to file my returns and, to quote David Allen Coe, “I got run over by a damned ole train.”

 #3 …I had my income tax almost finished, but I got real tense doing the last bit of math. When I get nervous, I doodle a lot. Now I can’t read any of the stuff I already filled out.

 #2 …It’s not my fault. I turned my W2 over to the tax office at my Mega-Church and they were supposed to have it turned in by now. My guess is someone sent it to the coffee shop by mistake. 

 # 1 … The Mountville Post Office was closed when I went by to file my returns.

 by Jan

 # 10. The male porcupine showers the female with a long stream of urine before mating. What a turn on !!

 # 9. The female bedbug mates by getting jabbed in the abdomen by the male’s private part.

 # 8. The male slug’s private part is so big he must find a mate of comparable size or risk having it bitten off.

 # 7. The male angelfish latches on to the female like a parasite, living off her food and fertilizing her when she is ready to lay eggs.

 # 6. The male hippo attracts a female by using his tail to spray her with his poop. How romantic is that ?

 # 5. A male goat urinates on himself to attract the ladies. He does it in his mouth too, like it’s goat mouthwash.

 # 4. The female knot-tying weaverbird will refuse to mate with a male that has built a shoddy nest. The male must take the nest completely apart and rebuild it to win the affections of the female.

 # 3. The female praying mantis eats her mate after sex.

 # 2. White-Fronted parrots actually snuggle up together and lock beaks before the act.

 # 1. The most unusual mating habit is of the South African ground squirrel. They are so friendly with each other. The only time they spend with females is to mate and they don’t fight over females like American squirrels do. It cost the American tax payer $ 600,000 dollars to find this out !

by Jan

 # 10. Time change, that’s always such a joy.

 # 9. Great time to go fishing, not such a good time for the worms and crickets tho.

 # 8. Watching those little red mounds of dirt come alive with the cute little fire ants.

 # 7. Seeing little agents from hell flying around like wasps and hornets.

 # 6. Knowing you are going to lose a certain amount of blood from mosquitoes and itch like crazy.

 # 5. Ahhh, the smell of fresh-cut grass, especially when your gardener hired a new boy to help him and the boy cut your flowers down with the weed eater.

 # 4. April showers, we all love to wade out to the car each morning to go to work.

 # 3. Spring break. This is the time  when we can see teenage boys wearing their pants pulled down so low you can look at the cute underwear with hearts on them they got for valentine’s day.

 # 2. We will hear of lots of women going on diets to attempt getting  into last years bikini, but with a little bit more to show this year.

 # 1. Those beautiful wild flowers you went in the woods to pick, now you have little red things all over you that itch like the devil, and someone told you they are chiggers, getting rid of them is very hard to do !!

 With new Wireless Water Meters are being installed in Laurens and Clinton – both towns also participating in a Pilot Project to With new automated meters  being installed by Laurens and Clinton utilities, we began to think of outer devices.

 #10… Automated Traffic Enforcement – already in us in some places. A camera takes your picture running the red light and sends you a ticket.

 #9 … Automated Tax Collections – Everyone’s bank account is accessed automatically by the IRS. Every time you make a deposit, it takes half. 

 #8 … Automated Talk Show –  This is a talk show device with a computer-generated voice. The computer scans the news and automatically has the voice make comments about these issues to appease right-wing zealots who do not require logic to make them happy.

 This is in contrast to this show, where in our studios we actually have live humans or reasonable representations thereof who offer their own somewhat human perspective on the issues.

 #7 … Automated Garbage Collection – No, not the one-armed bandit the City of Laurens operated for some five years. We’re talking radio-controlled jet packs. Whenever the container is full, it takes off and deposits the load at a designated collection site.

 #6 …Automated Trains. They’re very efficient as labor-saving devices, but they seem to malfunction from time to time and stop in Clinton, blocking most crossings at the same time. As a fringe benefit, they teach patience to local drivers. 

 #5  …Automated Grass Cutting. Like those little vacuums that mindlessly run, bump into something, then run another way. Only with the automated lawn mower, you’ve got to protect your flowers. We understand they’re hazardous for Squirrels and Chipmunks; but good for adding extra nutrition to the soil.

 #4 …An Automated personal groomer. Good for single men who don’t have wives to let them know when it’s time to take a bath. This device sniffs you and must approve before the door will open. 

 #3 …The Automated DUI cop. It’s a device installed in your car. It will not allow the car to crank until you pass the breathalyzer, located on the steering column.

 

#2 … APDs – for Automated Proctologist Device. This is an  instrument still in the early stages of development. I don’t know that it will get much further since the government just outlawed use of animals in testing. And they have been unable to recruit humans as  test subjects. Not even from the darkest dungeons of the Mississippi Prison System.

 

# 1 … Automatic Home Security System. Now, this is not like your grandmother’s home alarm system. This is a system that doesn’t alarm and call the cops. That’s old hat. This system actually takes action, automatically. It consists of a system of automatic weaponry positioned at each window and door. The slightest unauthorized movement in either will automatically trigger the wrath or Ruger!  It doesn’t call the cops, but after 10 minutes it does notify the mortuary. When they arrive, they can always notify the police.

 by Jan

 # 10. Did you come by yourself or did someone else bring you? This was asked after she was wheeled into the hospital in a wheelchair because she could not walk.

 # 9. Can you breathe well? This was asked as she held tightly to her oxygen and gasped for breath.

 # 8. After being told that she needed 2 units of blood she was asked if they could draw about 5 vials of blood from her.

 # 7. Do you buy drugs from anyone besides your drugstore, like off the street?

 #6. Do you use protection when you have sex?

 # 5. When is the last time you had sex?

 # 4. Is it uncomfortable when you have sex?

 # 3. Bear in mind she was in a wheelchair and could not stand or walk. She was asked if she could pee in a small cup.

 # 2. When was your last period?

 # 1. Are you pregnant or have you had an abortion in the last 60 days?

By Jan 

 #10. You won’t feel like a heifer if your dog sheds pounds quicker than you do.

 #9. Your dog wont care if your wearing Gucci, or your sweats.

 #8. Your dog doesn’t care about your garlic breath or the tuna salad you had for lunch, but in return you can’t complain about that liver-breath tounge that glides across your cheek.

 #7. Your dog will appreciate not having to pant alone.

 #6. Your dog won’t waste precious time chatting about the latest gossip.

 #5. You won’t have to wait for your pooch to put on workout gear, tennis shoes, or make-up.

 #4. How many of your current exercise partners will cuddle up with your sweaty behind after a vigorous workout.

 #3. Your dog will never be late for a workout because it doesn’t have a schedule and doesn’t care if you are late.

 #2. Your dog will not say that your butt looks too big in sweat pants.

 #1. Your dog will vary the pace for you, maximizing your cardio workout. If there is a rabbit, Hello-Turbo Speed!