Ten Things Your Government Will Find Out About You

By Jan Fullbright

# 10. What kind of flour do you use to make biscuits, plain or self rising. Self rising might make them biscuits too big and make your bossy look like Michelle’s.

# 9. Beware of what you text to other people, they can see it, like when you text sweet little notes to someone. Guess what, the whole country is going to know that you call him or her “Honey Buns!”

# 8. You think you can keep it a secret that you are expecting…..think again ! Your government will know it before the test turns the right color.

# 7. Got a cut on your finger, they will know what your dna is, how many stitches it took,if you got a prescription,when it will be healed, and if you paid cash or had insurance, all before you leave the doctor’s office.

# 6. If you live in Clinton, don’t try to hide them chickens, they got the chicken squad to keep a close eye on these things. Can’t hide the eggs either, they will know time the eggs hit the frying pan.

 # 5. Think it’s a secret that you watch your good looking neighbor cut grass with out his shirt on….Nope, Nancy Pelosi has been watching him for years and she knows you do too.

# 4. I bet they can tell which super dog jumped the fence with a single bound and got your FiFi pregnant.

# 3. So you had a garden this year. Don’t think you can put up too much food cause they will know and say you are hoarding and take it away.

# 2. Do you hang your under garments on the line to dry…..bet they can tell you what size they are, where you bought them, how much you paid for them, what color they are and how long they will last seeing as how they have to stretch to fit over your large behind.

# 1. They can now tell how many cows were serviced by your  new Angus bull and why his feed tastes like peppermint.

Top Ten Things About Dieting

By: Jan Fullbright

# 10. You know Randy, rich,fatty foods are like destiny : they too shape our ends !

# 9. The older you get, the tougher it gets to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have become really good friends.

# 8. Books Randy, the biggest seller is cook books and the secound best seller is diet books, how to not eat what you have just learned to cook.

# 7. I have some advice on dieting, eat all you like, just don’t swallow it !

# 6. Everyone knows there is a slim person inside them but I think you can sedate it with 4 or 5 cup cakes.

# 5. If only losing weight was as easy as losing our cell phone,our car keys,our temper, or our mind, we would be so skinny !

# 4. Brain cells come and brain cells go but fat cells live forever !

# 3. Well, we could use the cardiogist’s diet : if it taste good, spit it out.

# 2. The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor.

# 1.Food is like sex, when you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

 

 

Top Ten Reasons Muslims Didn’t Show in Washington for the Million Muslim March

#10…Most of the million Muslims didn’t show for religious reasons. There were too many Hogs on the streets of Washington yesterday.  

#9 … Four Words: The Westminster Camel Show. All self-respecting Muslims are fascinated by this genteel display of fine camel flesh.  

#8…   There was a Salmon Rushdie sighting in Pittsburgh, diverting many Muslim Men from the March…..Seems like the temptation of 72 virgins from an easy killing was too much temptation for some folks.

#7 …We understand several hundred would-be Marching Muslims didn’t make it because they were traveling to the nation’s capital in a caravan composed of Afghanistan-made buses. They broke down before they could get very far out of their own town. If they’d only been in Buicks!

 #6 …We understand this was a male-only event. With no women coming along, the Muslim men lost their way. Just like with Christians and Jewish men, Muslim men are reluctant to ask for directions. 

 #5  …A lot of Muslims got lost on the way to Washington because the towel wrapped around their head kept slipping down and impairing their vision. 

 #4 … A lot of Muslims couldn’t make it to Washington because Peta would not approve their use of camels for such as long trip. They said the weather was too hot. If you were thinking that it’s hot in the deserts where camels are from, well consider – that’s a Dry Heat! Much more suitable than the moist, muggy heat in DC.

 #3 … It was Mutton Day at all Burger Kings in Detroit. They say that a goat-burger beats an angus burger any day. That’s what we hear – I’ve never tried one myself. 

 #2 … The millions of Muslims were unable to visit DC due to a food crisis. Seems the shipment of dates and feta cheese being shipped to the nation’s capital became infested by ants, and thus the Halal requirements for food purity was thereby inextricably defiled.

 # 1 …Randy, there are not enough minarets in Washington for a million praying Muslims. And the portable minaret they were shipping in was destroyed on the interstate. Seems it was a bit taller than the first overpass it came upon. We understand trucks were backed up for several miles. It was like being in Clinton when the train hit the transfer trailer truck last Tuesday!

Top Ten Ways We Can Help To Beautify Laurens County

By: Jan Fullbright

# 10. If you have babies, always carry a trash bag with you so you can put the diapers in it and throw it in the trash can when you see one. Do not throw yo baby’s diapers on the side of the road, don’t want the possums getting their little feet dirty.

# 9. If your Mother-in-law is ugly, don’t let her leave the house.

# 8. You got an ugly dog, keep it in the back yard, don’t let it go in the front yard.

# 7. Don’t throw your fast food bags on the train tracks, some one might try to get it and get hit by the train.

# 6. Got your car taped together with duct tape, for goodness sake paint the tape the same color as your car !

# 5. Did the window fall out of the car, well they sell clear plastic now so you can still see out of the window.

# 4. So you just got back from the beach and decided to go shopping at a local store, please put some clothes on, we really don’t need to see what you got.

# 3. Oh great, you bought a new toupee, turn it around right and make sure it is the same color as your hair around it.

# 2. Let’s see how many of the plants with purple berries we can destroy so the birds don’t eat them and then relieve themselves on my white car.

# 1. When you go in a fast food resturant early in the morning, remember there are lots of old men in there getting coffee. Do not wear a low cut blouse and bend over. It makes the old men ogle and open their mouth and might lose their false teeth. It is an ugly sight to see them try to find which false teeth belong to them from all the ones on the floor.

Top Ten Things I learned From A Cowboy

 

By: Jan Fullbright

# 10. Always drink up stream from the herd. I fully understand that.

# 9. An onion can make People cry but there has never been a vegetable that could make people laugh.

# 8. If you find yourself in a hole, the best and first thing to do is stop digging.

# 7.Well now I know why men ride bulls, because the only good reason to ride a bull is to meet a nurse.

# 6. We all got pieces of crazy in us, some bigger pieces  than others.

# 5. Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, and a fool from any direction.

# 4. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

# 3. Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco, or for that matter a woman that dips snuff.

# 2. If you get thrown from a horse, you have to get up and get back on,unless you landed on a cactus; then you have to roll around and scream in pain.

# 1. Don’t dig for water under the outhouse !!

 

 

Top Ten Differences Between Men And Pumpkins

# 10. Pumpkins don’t fight over which one gets to go home with you.

# 9. Pumpkins will not just stare at your chest when you are talking to them unless you carve them that way.

# 8. They don’t care if you keep the remote to the tv or if you change the channel from a football game or a race.

# 7. They will sit on your front porch and wait for you to come home and never complain.

# 6. You can ride them around all day and leave them all night in your trunk and they won’t gripe.

# 5. If you neglect to shave your legs one day, they won’t care. They won’t say it feels like a briar patch.

# 4. You can listen to the oldies and cry over lost loves and they won’t make fun of you. They will not call you a cry baby.

# 3. Men will hardly say anything to you when you try to talk to them, pumpkins will spill their guts out to you.

# 2. Pumkins don’t really care how much you spend at the store, how long you stay out and who you bring home with you.

 # 1. Each year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

Ten Things I Noticed On Facebook

# 10. Someone wanted prayer for an unspoken request. This makes me a little nervous because she could be praying for another woman to die so she could have her husband, you just never know.

# 9. A lady posted a picture of her grandchildren, well get over it doll, all of our grandchildren are the best looking, the best in sports, and the smartest !! They take after us !

# 8. A lot of people are telling Obama what to do and saying all kinds of stuff about him and I really have seen some very funny pictures of him on there and I bet he’s not even on facebook !! 

# 7. Some folks post just how they are feeling and where they hurt. I really think they should be telling a doctor, oh wait…..facebook is cheaper but then you could get all kinds of dumb advice.

# 6. I saw one picture of a boob pen. That is a huge pen filled with rubber boobs and you can drop your husband off there to play while you shop, that one just might work.

# 5. Now let’s all cry cause some girl has been done so wrong by her guy. Dang, drop the dirt bag and get on with your life, we really can’t help you and most of us don’t give a rodent’s posteria !

# 4. Well now, this girl is in a relationship with a man she met 2 weeks ago and they are sooo in love. You better get to know him a little more girly, he might leave skid marks in his drawers and wipe his boogers under the couch !

# 3. Then there are these smart little sayings like “People often say that motivation doesn’t last, but neither does bathing so we recommend it daily!” You have to get motivated to take a bath, well smell yo self ain’t that motivation enough ?

# 2. And then there’s this man that says he smiles even on his bad days…..give me a break, no he don’t, he growls at everyone, tells them to kiss his rear, and gives us all the one finger wave.

# 1. I saw where some of the people were asking each other if they cried over y&r today. Most of them did cry. It took me some time but I found out that y&r is a soap opera, please…..folks it is just not that bad, it is not real, it’s fake….stop crying already !!

Top Ten Things Not To Say Or Do To Your Lady

# 10. If your lady is 9 months pregnant and in labor, don’t tell her you can get her to the hospital quicker by using shortcuts on your motorcycle.

# 9. Do not tell your wife for her birthday you were going to get her diamond earings but decided she would like a new, state of the art fishing rod instead.

# 8. When she asks you if her little black dress still looks good on her, don’t say yes from the front but from the back it looks like 2 bull dogs fighting under a blanket.

# 7. If they ask you how you like their new hair style, do not say you can’t tell the difference, it still looks the same.

# 6. Don’t tell her that this food tastes almost as good as when Mom makes it.

# 5. Whatever you do, never tell them to pull your finger !

# 4. If they are going shopping please wave to them with all your hand, not just the one finger wave !

# 3. She asks you to stop at the store and bring home some peach ice cream. You get her low calorie peach yogurt and tell her she needs to lose weight.

# 2. Do not load her phone with texts, don’t call her excessively, and by all means do not leave a bag of human feces in her drive way.

# 1. Guys make sure that you know if the baby is a boy or a girl before you let her eat chicken wings. I hear this has an effect on the length of things.

Top Ten Industrial Plants the Chinese Should Bring to South Carolina

 #10…Three words: 4th of July. We need our own Chinese Fireworks Manufacturing Facility. It’s gonna be big!

 

#9 … Perhaps they’ll put in a Panda Breeding Clinic. Only the Chinese know how to make this work. We don’t seem to know how to get these animals bred here in the US.    

 

#8 … We can support a scientifically acclimated facility to grow bean sprouts.

 

#7 … We need a Dollar Tree Plant and it should have a massive Dollar Tree Outlet next door. We’ll call the outlet store the 50-cent tree! 

 

#6 … They need to build a dye-making plant that specializes in making dyes for dog hair. Then, when the Dog Pound gets a dog in that is of a color no one will adopt they can dye it’s hair to a more acceptable hue. Human Hair dye is called Grecian formula – we’ll call this  Fido Formula

 

#5  …The Chinese need to build a plant in Clinton to manufacture over-size wreckers. They’ll make big, giant wreckers that can tow a train away when it breaks down and blocks the Ring Road just as kids are headed into school. They’ll hook up to that train and clear the tracks letting parents into Eastside Elementary.

 

#4 … Perhaps the Chevrolet plant that was moved from Detroit to China can be now moved to South Carolina. Imagine getting a new Chevy without “Made in China” stickers on it.

 

#3 …As popular as blue jeans are here in America, why not move a Blue Jean plant from China to Laurens County. There’s one or two buildings still left of the old Clinton Mill. Think of all the shipping costs we’ll save!

 

#2 … Woks are more and more popular as American’s discover the joys of stir-fry. Who better to manufacture these clever cookery items that Chinese. Let’s let the Chinese put a Wok factory here in South Carolina.

 

# 1 …With all the pine trees we have growing around here, why don’t the Chinese put in a Chop Stick factory. Everyone will love the chop sticks made of loblolly pine. We could do a high-end chop stick made of southern-grown black walnut! A more luxurious wood has never been found.

 

Top Ten Things To Wonder About On Labor Day

# 10. Why is it called Labor Day when most people are off of work that day . Maybe we should call it No Labor Day.

# 9. I bet the people that live and work in Myrtle Beach work harder that day than any other day to keep up with all the young people getting in that last holiday before school and winter.

# 8. Wonder just how many hot dogs are sold on Labor Day. Someone had to work at making and selling hot dogs I think.

# 7. I read somewhere that you are not supposed to eat hot dogs after Labor Day. That had to be written by someone not from America because we eat them anytime here and I have seen people fight over the last hot dog on the plate in December.

# 6. I would love to know just how many husbands tell their wives that they have to work that day, then go fishing and buy a few hot dogs on the way.

# 5. A lot of men go golfing on Labor Day. They walk their legs off just to hit and chase a little white ball and they pay to do it. Seems to me they would not work as hard at their job and They would get paid for that.

# 4. Chickens must not know what Labor Day is all about cause they still lay eggs on that day, heck I ate 2 of them scrambled this morning.

# 3. Hey, kids are out of school on that day. I bet you Mom works a lot harder picking up behind them at home, or putting up with the older ones asking for money to go out with their friends.

# 2. When I was a young kid I thought Labor Day was when babies were born. I would hear my Mom say that some lady was having a baby and she was in labor.

# 1. A fine ladies tradition is to not wear white after Labor Day, guess I’ll have to get Billy to wash all my drawers and socks with that red towel so they will all be pink.