# 10. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. If one breaks it will make the others stick together.

 # 9. Walk softly and carry a big carrot. I am not going to mess with this one.

 # 8. Everyone needs a friend that is all ears. That helps when you want to gossip.

 # 7. There’s no such thing as too much candy. Eat too much, get sick , you will change your mind.

 # 6. Some body parts should be floppy. I will not guess what the bunny was talking about here.

 # 5. All work and no play can make you a basket case. All play and no work can lead to poverty.

 # 4. If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you are eating too slowly.

 # 3. Chocolate covered raisins,cherries,orange slices, and strawberries, all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

 # 2. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

 # 1. A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention. Guess that is why there are so many rabbits.

 #10… Wal-Mart. The rule should be: If you weigh more than 300 pounds, you should have it covered.

 #9 … Elmo’s Crab Shack.  This where the strippers, especially, need to be fully clothed. Perhaps suggestive clothing would be OK.

 #8 … Church.  Don’t you think Tank Tops should be out? Yes, even if someone does have a cross tattooed across their belly.

 #7 … Driving in a Convertible: For women only – they should not wear dresses that are predisposed to be blown up, revealing unmentionables. Many a wreck has occurred from this.

 #6 … The Runners at the Little River Bridge Run. We think we need to ban short shorts. I know long pans are not aerodynamic, but those short shorts are revving up the engines for some of our dirty old men.

 #5  …Johnson Detention Center: They already have a jump suit they fit everyone in, but it looks too much like Clemson orange for me.

 #4 …Day Care:  We believe that naval rings should not be worn at Day Cares. Not by the caregivers, and not by the babies, either. It just doesn’t seem right, somehow. 

 #3 …Polling Places: Folks should dress appropriately to go vote. Women with revealing outfits can distract a man from his intentions. We could even have Republicans voting for Democrats. With enough sexy women dressed alluringly, we could have our ‘hanging chads.’

 #2 …TV studios:  Women who are there to appear on television should be required to either wear tops with higher necklines. With the new HD TV technology, everything shows. And all that plunging necklines in High Definition is a bit too much for some of us older guys with bad hearts!

 # 1 …Tattoo Parlors. From what I’ve been seeing lately, even women in brief outfits seem to have a lot more of the tattoo left under their clothes. So someone must be removing practically everything for the tattoo artist. It just doesn’t seem right, somehow.

 

# 10. May Pops, they have become rare since kids don’t play outside any more. It was fun to step on them and listen to them pop.

 # 9. Macaroni. I know a man in Fountain Inn that goes to the feed and seed store each spring and asks when the macaroni seed will be in stock.

 # 8. Donuts. Someone sent me some donut seeds and they look just like cheerios, so I got some honey nut cheerios so my donuts will be sweeter.

 # 7. Poke Salad. Don’t many people plant this any more either. I think Exlax has ruined the poke salad business.

  # 6. Rabbit Tobacco. This is not grown much as it does not relax people or give them the munchies like Mary Jane.

 # 5. Money Tree. Everyone needs to plant one of these but be sure you can trust who you buy the seeds from. I got one last year and it only produced pennies and not many of them.

 # 4. Egg Plants. Folks do not grow these thinking you are going to get chickens….Ain’t gonna happen cause egg plants don’t have roosters.

 # 3. Honey. It is not true that if you plant bees, you’ll get honey. Besides these little boogers will sting you before you can get them in the ground.

  # 2. Prunes. People think if you plant prunes that you will get plums. Not true, you will get nothing but runny soil.

 # 1. Spaghetti. A man at Myrtle beach told me that he grows  wonderful hardy spaghetti by putting viagra in the sandy soil. Now, I have wo wonder if it takes four (4) hours to cook !

# 10. University of Tennessee. April 7 through April 12, they have ” Sex Week”, with events such as ” Bow Chicka Bow Woah”, and How to talk to your parents about sex. Excuse me, but your parents had you, don’t you think they know by now ? 

# 9. Rutgers University in New Jersey teaches a course on Politicing Beyonce. The students get credits for watching her sultry videos and listening to the song lyrics. 

# 8. How about the University of California at Berkley. They off a 2 unit course called ” The Simpsons and Philosophy”. They ask weighty questions like what does Homer’s D’Oh utterence really say about his existential self. 

# 7. The University of Baltimore offers a dedicated course allowing sutdents to get ready for a ” zombie apocalypse”. 

# 6. The George Washington University offers a course called the “Fat Studies”. This study gives a whole new meaning to the term,” Chewing the Fat “. They throw the cultural baggage of overweight people firmly into the light. 

# 5. The University of California, where you can take a course called ” Arguing with Judge Judy”. The course picks apart popular logical fallacies on reality TV shows.

# 4. Why not send the kids to the Reed College of Portland where they can take a course in ” Under Water Basket Weaving “, that is sure to get them a wonderful job.

# 3. How about the University of South Carolina where students can get credit for studying Lady Gaga and the Sociology of Fame. The unit gets students to “engage in sound and substantiated scholarly thinking” on Gaga’s meteoric rise to fame.

# 2.  You can take a 12 week course at the Staffordshire University of David Beckham as part of a BA in Sports, Media and Culture, and included heavyweight topics such as Beck’s ever-evolving hairstyles, the state of his marriage to Posh and his status “as the object of a great many fantasies.”

# 1. Now let us send our kids to the State University of New York at Buffalo. Here they can take” Cyber-porn and Society”. Your son or daughter can actually watch porn movies here. This is where the professor screens the Italian movie Saló, a film that has a great argument for being the sickest movie ever made.

 

 10. Say happy birthday to a man and he says thank you. Say happy birthday to a woman and you better have flowers, candy, or charge card to hand her.

  9. A man will be glad to tell you his age, but after 49, don’t ask a woman, you will get real dirty looks and no answer.

  8. Let a man go fishing or biking on his birthday and he is as happy as a Lark. Try that with a woman and the Lark turns into a buzzard real fast.

  7. Ask a man what he wants for his birthday and he will be right up front as to what he wants. A woman will tell you in so many ways, hints, and even get her girlfriend to tell you what she wants.

  6. You can give a man a nice mushy card for his birthday and he will like it. You try giving a woman a card then try to love on her….unless you got diamonds in that card….it ain’t happening John Wayne !

  5. A man will appreciate whatever meal he gets for his birthday. Try taking a woman to Fast Food for her birthday….ever seen the moon up close in person ?

  4. Give a man a pair of boots for his birthday and he is happy. Give a woman a pair and let’s see who’s butt gets kicked !

  3. A nice pair of jeans a man will like for his birthday, you give a woman a pair of jeans you better have 100 dollar bills in the pockets.

  2. A nice car vac would be great for a man’s birthday. Try giving an expensive vac to a woman and you will get the evil eye til you melt in a puddle. That’s right isn’t it Emil ?

  1. How old are you Randy ? See how easy he answers, now ask me how old I am Randy. I’m 49.95 plus shipping and handling.

#10… I received a phone call from my daughter in Panama wishing me Happy Birthday. She found some cell signal to use while in a Howler Monkey Sanctuary in the Highlands of Western Panama. I felt honored that she talked with her aging Dad when she could have been listening to the Monkeys Howl. 

 

#9 … The Fire Department has denied our permit to burn candles on my birthday cake tonight. Something about a Red Flag Advisory.  

              They said all the firefighters are worn out from that big fire in Myrtle Beach.

 

#8 … I received a notice from the Social Security System about the benefits they’re offering. It was answer to a question I did not ask. I did not ask, and I did not like the response.

 

#7 …I was stunned that there was no surprise birthday party when I made my daily stop at the Johnson Detention Center in the early morning hours. You’d think, after all these years, someone would have remembered. 

 

#6 …A deer surprised me with her surprise dance across the road in front of me around 2:40 this morning. I don’t think the dance across the roadway was in my honor. She didn’t appear the least bit interested in my approach. But I sure got excited.

 

#5  …I had quite a surprise when Randy had a stripper come do a dance for me as I was doing the news this morning. I want to thank Randy for the gift, but I do request that next time, how about hiring a woman. I prefer them to the male stripper.   

 

#4 … I was also surprised, Randy, when I found out the stripper you hired was not from Laurens County. Remember, we always need to practice our “Shop Laurens County First” commitment. Elmo tells me you did not even consider hiring one of the After-Hours Party Girls from the Crab Shack.

 

#3 … I was curiously surprised at the family dynamics last night in Joanna. The young man, who was accused of firing a gun after Mom and her boyfriend left, denied he had a gun. Imagine my surprise when the deputies noted they actually did find a gun lying on the ground out in the back yard. I really wonder how that revolver got there! 

 

#2 … There were no Meth Lab Busts in Laurens County yesterday or last night. Imagine my surprise this morning! Could it be folks are wising-up to the dangers of meth? Could we be undergoing some form of spiritual revival? That would be a huge surprise!  

 

# 1 … Imagine my surprise when I received a notice in my mailbox this morning that I am entitled to 20% of any purchase at Bed, Bath and Beyond! Wow! This is huge, Randy! Nothing is the same – a wonderful new world has dawned in my life.

  Not 10…not  even 15…we’re talking 20% off …and anything in the store.

As Barney Fife said, It’s Big, Andy.

 by Jan

 #10. Squirrels playing leapfrog, at least that is what I thought they were doing.

 

 #9. A bridge full of people fishing, then the Game Warden showed up. Not too many people stayed after that.

 

 #8. Beautiful blue birds, at least I thought they were pretty until one crapped on my blouse.

 

 #7. I thought I saw a coyote walking upright….oops that was just mountain man. A man that has a long beard, long hair, and missing his two front teeth. He kept calling me baby.

 

 #6. I found out that beer is called the “cussing juice”, and “liquid courage” in Waterloo.

 

 #5. The wind was blowing so hard that the minnows people were fishing with looked like spinners waving in the breeze.

 

 #4. Someone had a nosebleed and one of the guys said to use a tampon for it. Said it had a lot of storage capacity plus a string for removal.

 

 #3. Saw a cute little bald headed man come out of his trailer and relieve himself. He had no idea that we could see him…had on cute little briefs !!

 

 #2. Attended a bonfire party. They cooked hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill, had chips and baked beans. Just sat around the fire pit and talked and laughed. Mountain Man must have had a little too much beer cause all he said was “chicken bone, chicken bone”. It is a different breed of folks.

 

#1 I actually saw huge woodpeckers, I didn’t know they got that big. They have beaks about 6 inches long and instead of just drilling on the trees, they rip the bark off with their beaks and then get the insects.

Top Ten Good Reasons To Live Near A Chicken Farm.

 

10. If some of the chickens get loose and nest in your yard, you can have fresh free eggs from free range chickens. 

9. You won’t need an alarm clock cause the roosters will wake you up early every morning, even on the weekends. 

8. Maybe you can talk your neighbors into letting you have some chicken manure for your garden, makes them maters taste good. 

7. You ladies won’t have to worry about wearing perfume for your husband cause he won’t be able to smell it anyway. 

6. That little surprise that your puppy left in the hallway won’t seem half as bad to clean up as it probably won’t out smell the chicken manure. 

5. Want feathers for your old pillows ? Just go outside and catch the chicken feathers as they float by. 

4. If the chicken farm is on the north side of your house just open the south windows, if it is on the south side open the northern windows, etc. 

3. Pray that you don’t have an egg sucking dog !! 

2. Ever hear someone ask you to taste some meat you have never tasted before and they tell you it taste like chicken ? Well, you can cook anything you want to outside and it will smell like chicken. 

1. After you have lived by this chicken farm for over a year, and your husband comes home from work and asks you what’s for supper….I bet you won’t say chicken !

 10. Emil Finley…A beeper to fit in his hat so he can always know where he left it.

  9. President Obama….A super duper pooper scooper. With this he can walk Bo and save the taxpayers $100,000 a year.

  8. Randy Stevens…A dumptruck load of crush and run to put in the mudhole right outside the shedhouse where he keeps his motorcycle.

 7. Joe Biden…Blackberries,salmon,spinach, and extra virgin olive oil. These foods help the brain function.

  6. Nancy Pelosi….Nevermind, I don’t think anything could help her.

  5. Michelle Obama…A new pair of $2.99 flip flops so she can look like our first lady when she goes on vacation.

  4. Donald Trump….Please let’s take up a collection to get him a new hair style.

  3. Joan Rivers….A new facelift, her chin is not close enough to her forehead yet.

  2. Janet Jackson…Some new clothes so she won’t have to be half naked while performing .

  1. Jabori Cook…A detailed map of Laurens County with a dvd explaining how to use the map starting at the Sonic.

 #10… In the powder room of the India Palace.

 #9 … I understand a good place to hide on a moonless night is in the fields near Gray Court. We understand that no one wants to go out there at night. I really don’t know why.

 #8 … In an abandoned car on the banks of Lake Greenwood. I understand the best hiding places are on the Laurens County side.

 #7 …In the old card room at Lydia Mill.

 #6 … In the evening gown section of your local Wal-Mart

 #5  …In the Sushi Section at the Hub.

 #4 … Under a Laurens CPW water tower. Even if the cops see you there, with all the buzzards on top of the tower, the cops are not going underneath to get you.

 #3 …In the WLBG staff Cafeteria on Collards Night. That stuff makes Randy unbearable. 

 #2 … In the prayer chapel of the Joanna lodge.

 # 1 …In the Textile Heritage Museum, inside the Clinton Municipal Building. However, it’s imperative that you don’t have a copy on your heels as you run into the building.