Top Ten Differences Between City Folks And Country Folks

# 10. City folk have to have a toilet and toilet paper, country folk just need a hole and a leaf. I think that is why the country squirrels are brown.

# 9. City folk use the weekend to wash and shine their suv while the country folk have fun on the weekend going muddin in theirs.

# 8. City folk say the name Brenda, country folk say Brender.

# 7. Country folk know what to do with all the cow dung, city folk ain’t got a clue as to what to do with it.

# 6. City folk eat hamburgers and hot dogs while country folk eat deer,rabbit,snake and fish, some of them eat possum.

# 5. City folk have to learn how to shoot a gun at a range, country folk learn to shoot in the woods at anything that moves.

# 4. Country kids know when they hear Mama hollar to come to supper, city kids get a text that dinner is ready.

# 3. Country people call their dogs Rattler and Old Duke while city people call their dogs Fifi and Prince. Rattler gets a bath in the nearest creek free and Fifi gets groomed for about 50 bucks.

# 2. If you are from the city and are moving to the country beware cause if your cell phone rings while an 8 point buck and 3 does are coming in, them country boys will shoot the phone right out of your hand, hope it is not up to your ear at the time.

# 1. When city folks need an answer to a question they just google it, country folks go out to the back yard and hollar across the woods to their neighbor whose kid just finished college.

Top Ten Things To Do In Laurens County

# 10. Go to the stores and see how many things you can find that wasn’t made in China, heck go to the new Clinton High School, it was built by people from China.

# 9. Visit the CPW and see why there is not water in the fountain right next door at the police station. I think Bryan Bently stands at the fountain and imagines there is water flowing.

# 8. Want fun, go to Elmo’s crab shack, but don’t be too surprised to see your granny pole dancing there and your grandpa clapping for her. Older folks like to have fun too !!

# 7. You can go to the square and check out the awful wreck that happened. Horrible accident !! A dog fell over and killed 2 fleas and injured 40 more.

# 6. Test drive a few cars or trucks from Buck’s Auto and see the beautiful country side using their gas.

# 5. Enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning at a local eatery and find out who has worse aches and pains than you do. Seems to be the topic every morning. One lady had side pleurisy, I think I misunderstood what she said.

# 4. Let’s go out to the Laurens Airport and watch the planes come in and go out. Wonder if they got one of them machines that can look right through your clothes. I got a friend that swallowed a watermelon seed and he thinks it took root and grew in his stomach.

# 3. Go to a few chicken farms and just see if you can tell which way the wind is blowing. If you get home smelling like chicken doo, yep it was blowing your way.

# 2. If you get up very early in the morning you can go out to highway 72 and watch the stone ground fruit cake nut, riding a motorcycle in the pouring rain, dodging deer, dogs, and skunks. That should be fun.

# 1. Grab the wife, gather up the youngens, make a large picnic lunch and head for the beach. Yep, we got a beach in Laurens County. Beautiful place to spend the day. Ekom Beach !!

Top Ten Curious Federally Funded Research Projects

#10… Determining whether a snake will bite a squirrel if the squirrel does not shake its  tail. (If the squirrel is wearing a raincoat to hide it’s tail, does that change the odds?)

#9 …  If a tree falls in a forest and there is no one there to hear it, will it make a noise?

#8 … If a man is alone in a remote forest and speaks, but there is no woman present to hear him, is he still wrong?

#7 … If a man is riding a motorcycle through the countryside near Whitmire at 4:30 in the morning and a golden retriever is in a yard being passed by the motorcycle, will the dog attempt to mount the motorcycle?

#6 …If a house in Laurens County becomes vacant, how many meth addicts will be found in that house one week later?

#5  …If a man or woman becomes a meth addict today, how many days will it take for their teeth to rot away?

#4 …Everybody wants to be happy, Randy. So perhaps we can have federally funded research project to determine what happiness really is!

#3 …We suggest a federally funded research project in the woods of Joanna to study the sex life of possums. Exactly how can ANY animal, even another possum, be attracted to such an ugly animal?

#2 …We also need a study to determine if the many dead possums found alongside Laurens County roadways are really accidents, as we have been taught; or could this be indication of psychological disorder causing so many of our ugly friends to commit suicide by motor vehicle?

# 1 …If everyone in the United States were made legal citizens of this country, would there be any citrus fruit harvested in Florida or California before it rotted in the orchard?

 

Top Ten Reasons the Open Door Ministries Should RETHINK Having Randy Stevens MC their Annual Banquet Tomorrow Night

#10…Two Words:  Dress Code

           I still shudder at the memory of co-hosting a Relay for Life with you and seeing you walk up on stage with a T-shirt featuring a big tin can labeled “Whoop…$#8&!”

#9 … Then there is that T-shirt you still wear sometimes that has a crude way of promoting breast exams

#8 … You expressed concern about race relations earlier on the show today. I’m afraid someone will walk up to you tomorrow night and welcome “whitey,” prompting you to   say “that’s ‘Mighty Whitey’ to you, punk!”

#7 …Randy, the $20 for ticket is to be a donation for the work of the Open Door Ministries. They’ll not make any money by having you there. Rev. Brewington has obviously never seen you eat.   

#6 … The 1st Presbyterian Life Center sits on the edge of one of Clinton’s most  beautiful, peaceful residential neighborhoods. They don’t need the racket your motorcycle is going to make hauling your big butt in and out of there.

#5  … Randy admitted here today that he has watched  some of those horrible video games that give points to how many people you kill. What if he has a flashback reaction tomorrow night at the banquet?!

#4… There was a big state dinner in Japan years ago where US President George H.W. Bush became ill and created quite a spectacle in front of everyone. Well, I’ve heard some of Randy’s jokes and I’m afraid they’ll be a bunch of people getting sick tomorrow night!

#3 …I understand they’re going to have music at tomorrow night’s program. I shudder at the thought that you might launch into your “sing-along” modes.

#2 … We hope that Randy will be in a bad mood tomorrow night, strange as that may sound. See, if he’s in a good mood, he’ll be smiling a lot. And, well….he rides the motorcycle everywhere, a big smile shows off all the bugs stuck to his teeth.

# 1 … Rumor has it that Randy is going to the India Palace for supper tonight. That means he will be a walking hazardous waste zone all day long tomorrow. 

 

 

Top Ten Reasons the NCAA Didn’t Allow a Former Active Duty Marine

 

 

#10… The last we heard, killing was disallowed on most college football teams

 

#9 … They apparently heard him repeating the Marine Mantra, “Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.”

 

#8 … Being outside cold weather during football season is just too much because of the bad weather he endured while on active duty in middle Eastern deserts.

 

#7 … Maybe they heard him repeating the Marine saying “Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice.”

 

#6 …While there have been some modifications of football rules, we don’t believe they’ve relaxed the rule on gun possession on the field of play. That’s in spite of numerous attempts at Clemson. 

 

#5  …They decided they just shouldn’t take a chance on a Marine. They’re known to carry a K-Bar. 

 

#4 …They heard was going to drive his tank on campus. Randy, during this wet weather the grass in just too delicate to be driven over by a big ole tank….can you imagine a beautiful college lawn turned into a mud bath. 

 

#3 …We understand Sgt. Rhodes insisted on playing football in his combat boots. Randy, they couldn’t have that!  Think of how it would disrupt the NCAA contract with NIKE!

 

#2 … If you allow this door to be opened, what’s to stop him from bringing in a whole company of combat-hardened marines to play against those innocent, rosey-cheeked college boys. It would be a massacre! 

 

# 1 … Sgt. Rhodes is accustomed to playing football in sand during his time in the mountains and deserts of Afghanistan. The campus of Middle Tennessee State is not in a desert, Randy. Lots of grass and trees. It’s an entirely different ball game here.

 

Top Ten Ridiculous Foods At State Fairs

# 10. Deep fried cotton candy at the Texas state fair. Cotton candy balls battered and fried and served on top of frozen yogurt.

# 9. Camel Burger Sliders at Minnesota state fair. Smoothering camel burgers in spicy mayo,white american cheese, and caramelized onions, served on a bun. Store that in your hump !

# 8. Deep fried bacon cinnamon roll, Texas State fair. Huge cinnamon roll dipped in a sweet pancake batter, fried and then sprinkled with bacon crumbles and covered with powdered sugar. Breakfast of champions maybe ?

# 7. Fat Elvis on a stick, Winsconsin fair. A peanut butter cup dunked in a banana batter, deep fried and served with bacon on top. Just a bigga bigga hunk of love will do ?

# 6. Fried Salsa, Texas fair. Jalapenas,roasted garlic,onions,tomato, and other peppers rolled together and dipped in mesa, covered in crumbled tortilla chips and deep fried,queso dip on the side. That ought to set your fields on fire.

# 5. Chocolate covered corn dog,Orange county state fair. A deepfried corn dog dipped in chcolate with sprinkles. Kinda looks like something left in the toilet to me.

# 4. El Bananarito,Texas. Roll a banana in a flour tortilla and deep fry it. Top it with whipped cream, powered sugar and chocolate sauce. Sounds like something Anthony Weiner could use in his next round of pictures.

# 3. Fried cow patty, Texas. Instead of a fried beef patty, this is a fried chocolate pastry about the size of your face. Guess it looks like a cow patty.

# 2. Fried cactus bites, Texas. Like okra but better they say. Who they are and where they live I don’t know. Cacti are edible and I bet you can use the needles as toothpicks.

# 1. Deep fried beer, Texas. Beer filled pretzel pockets deep fried to a golden brown. One bite and the escaping beer is used as a dipping sauce. Got to be 21 with id to get this.

Ten Jobs That Might Be Available

# 10. Just walk right into the police station and tell the chief you would like to apply for the job of keeping water in the fountain, make Bryan Bently happy.

# 9. I hear plumbers are in demand. I ain’t the plumber but I am the plumber’s son, I can plug your hole til the plumber comes. Do Da !

# 8. How about a can checker. Go around the station and make sure that what is supposed to be in the can is actually in the can and stuff that ain’t supposed to be there is not there, make Emil Finley happy.

# 7. You could become a weed farmer. They grow weeds to sell to universities and chemical companies to be used in herbicide research. Hey, my yard could make me rich after all.

# 6. A wrinkle chaser, that is the person that irons wrinkles from shoes as they are being made to make sure thay are perfectly smooth when you buy them.

# 5. Ah yes, a Boner. This is the one where you insert bones or steels into prepared pockets of  women’s foundation garments like corsets and bras.

# 4. Foot straightener. These people straighten and screw into place the feet on watch and clock dials during assembly.

# 3. Hooker inspector, not what you think Randy. They inspect cloth in in a textile mill for defects using a hooking machine.

# 2. Then there is the Egg Smeller. This is where you actually smell eggs after they are broken to check for spoilage.

# 1. Would you like to be a clown ? I hear they have an opening in Missouri.

Ten Things You Might See Or Hear At Your Local Store

# 10. A rather large lady at least 300 pounds or more buys a big bag of chips, a box of honey buns, then gets a diet coke and says she was on a diet. Hmmmm.

 

# 9. Nice looking older gentleman walks up to the counter and puts down a package of strawberries and 2 condoms, tells the cashier,” Yes, in that order”. I could not help it, I cracked up at that one !

 

# 8. Two ladies are together, one buys rum, chocolate, and tampons. The other one gets chocolate and midol, then looks at her friend and says,” Do you think we are being a little obvious?”

 

# 7. Two boys about 12 and 14 years old buy 2 condoms. Things were ok until the 14 year old said,” I can’t believe Mother is making us buy these for her !” Yeah right !!

 

# 6. One older lady with very grey hair, kind of dirty, very skinny, and looked like she dipped snuff,missing a few teeth, was wearing a shirt with writing across the front that read, “You can’t touch this!” I had to wonder who would want to !!

 

# 5. A very red faced man bought condoms, a dog collar , and a leash. He was shy but promised he had just bought his son a puppy, even tho it looked weird.

 

# 4. Did you know they sell Frog Spit ? After investigation I found out it is lemon lime sherbert pops !

 

# 3. How about the lady that walks into the drug store and wants to buy birth control pills for her dog.

 

# 2. A little boy goes up to the cashier and lays down 2 dimes and a nickel then tells the lady he wants a case quarter. She says, “We don’t sell those here honey, you must go somewhere else.”

 

# 1. While shopping at a local store with my son, I saw an older gentleman riding on one of the scooters. He was very friendly and said hello to us. I then noticed he was wearing shorts maybe a little too short, and the family jewels were showing. I tried to show my son and he said I was crazy.

Top Ten Strange Items Found by NYC Police during their ‘Stop & Frisk’ Proccedure

#10…A pet possum being carried by a man from Joanna…he was a loner, and didn’t have anyone he trusted to leave his pet possum with while on his trip. We understand the possum had been quiet & well-behaved during Broadway plays, but that it had acted up quite a bit when the man attended a Yankees game.

 

#9 … A signed photo of Janet Jackson with her signature covering the evidence of her ‘wardrobe malfunction.’

 

#8 … An 8 x 10 photo of former Congressman Weiner showing his hidden qualities

 

#7 …From a slow-talking man they once found a small pamphlet entitled “How to Talk Like a Yankee.”

 

#6 … A pair of Congressman Weiner’s soiled jockey briefs. The man he bought them on E-bay, and who am I to question that?

 

#5  …A full-size machete was found in a man’s pants. We haven’t had that here in more than 2 or 3 days, Randy.

 

#4 …A brand new prayer book…so new it even has the latest authorized prayers to President Obama. A footnote states the prayers are straight from the scripture with minor interpretation. I haven’t read them yet, but I understand they’re beautiful.

 

#3 … There was the time they frisked a man who was wearing a tin foiled cap. They didn’t find that so unusual, being in New York and all, but this guy was carrying a spare tin-foil hat in his coat pocket.

 

#2 …On one odd-man with baggy pants the police friskers pulled a bright green wig, a red bulbous nose and a pair of big floppy shoes out of a pants pocket. Stuff just kept coming out, Randy, like an endless string.  

 

# 1 … A framed 8 x 10 picture of Jesus and Moses surrounding and embracing Barak Obama. A little child and his pet lion are standing peacefully in the background.

Top Ten Greetings To Use For Your Voice Mail

# 10. Hello, this is Joe. Please leave your name, number and a brief message at the tone. There is only one person that I am trying to avoid, if I don’t call you back then you will know it is you.

 

# 9. Hi, this is Anthony Weiner, please hang up and send me a picture of your feet with high heels on, then I will send you a picture of me that is sure to thrill you !!

 

# 8. Roses are red and boogers are green, please leave your message on this stupid machine.

 

# 7. Hello, you have reached Mo and No Mo. We can’t pick up the phone right now because we are doing something we enjoy. Mo likes to do it up and down, I like to do it sideways real slow. So leave a message and when we are through brushing our teeth, we’ll call you back.

 

# 6. A is for academics,B is for beer, one of those reasons is why we’re not here so leave a message.

 

# 5. Hello this is Rip Van Winkle. I’m not awake to take your call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

 

# 4. Hi, this is the road kill cafe, you kill um, we grill um, leave your order after the beep.

 

# 3. Hello, the president is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, number, and the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

 

# 2. Hey, if you want to know where I am just call a psychic, if you’re to lazy to do that leave a message. Be careful what you say because the government tapes my messages.

 

# 1. Hi, you little sugar booger, you have reached WLBG Good Morning Up Country, you’re on the air !!